Saturday, April 29, 2006


/self pity mode on
I shouldn't help hubbie test the wine for my niece's wedding while in a downcast mood.
Leads to all sorts of things...
Such as thinking about things. It is great being able to post in the pub again, great..
But what it does mean is that I spend more time lurking round in OBOB
And become acutely aware that I am no longer part of this group called "Catholic" "Christian".
I cannot post there, it is not permitted, even in innocent threads saying "happy birthday" or other such things.
I am no longer part of your community.
And that is reflected outside in the real world.
I no longer am part of the community here, the community that my family and friends belong to.
It's amazing what an impact something like this has.
It is more than just having a label, a word, it is a real separation from a group that once was my world.
And every now and then, when something has happened that brings it more to mind, it becomes very real to me and I deeply regret what has occured.

But I cannot see a way back. I cannot believe in the god of the bible anymore folks, I have tried and I cannot.
So I'm stuck here on the outside looking in.
When my heart wants to be with you all on the inside.
But it's not a place for me anymore.
However much I think and try and bend my mind that way, in my deepest down heart and mind, I know it will never come back. And I have to find a way to survive like this, in a world without god and without the community I used to cherish.
Most of the time I can manage it, it is just every now and then a little sigh comes my way and I long to be back the way I was...
And I can say it here because this is the one space I have where I can indulge a little self pity and hope that those who read will put up with it.
And I'll read this tomorrow and I hope my heart will not be aching quite so much then...

And Monday I fly once more to France...
Better think about packing.

/self pity mode off...

1 comment:

aaron said...

Your not a outsider :) your cat :) your always be a part :)