Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Crying in the chapel

You saw me crying in the chapel
The tears I shed were tears of joy.....

I wish mine were
Mine are tears of hopelessness, despair, totally joyless
Tears of shame and humiliation
Tears of self pity
And a feeling so chronically empty and useless that I have no idea if it will go

I know it will
I know feelings do not last
But the last few days have taught me how fragile my mental state actually is and how I should be taking more care of it....
I am but a fool

I can't wait for M to come home.....

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Another bad day

It all started badly. Woke at 5.30, with that horrible early morning down in the depths feeling. I put on the radio and waited till 6 in the hope I might get back to sleep, but no avail.
Up I got, did my early morning ablutions and then sat and checked email and and listened to some soft music. Next woke the kids. T had been difficult, his dad being away on Lourdes, the last few days haven't been easy. I noticed that he seemed to be going to the loo frequently, but as he didn't say anything thought nothing of it.
Then the bus was late.
And 5 minutes after it should have left, T announced he had tummy ache, felt sick and had a headache.
I couldn't risk it, cancelled the bus, got Mw to walk to school and called in the Cavalry (Mgu) who arrived at 8.45. I flew into work, arriving just before the Tuesday meeting was due to start to face numerous difficulties and hazards all day.
Arriving home, discovered T had been fine all day and the terrible two wanted me to do this that and the other all evening.
Now I have finally sat down, will have a bath now and try and relax.

Just hope this day doesn't repeat.

In other news, I have learnt more about myself recently and am waiting to have a pulling together in my head of the newly discovered traits and drives. Once more what I find about myself surprises me, amuses me, terrifies me. Here's hoping for a more tranquil drawing together and coming back into focus than the last time!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Once upon a time...(an odd dream, told in story fashion)

Once upon a time in a far off land there lived a small person. She was small and fat and spotty, and she knew no one would ever really love her like that. There were some people who would say that they loved small fat people, even ones who were spotty, and hairy, but she knew they were only joking. She hated herself and wanted to change but was too weak and unbalanced.
One day though, she met a grand magician. He said he could make people like her and even say she was pretty and even possibly love her! She was amazed! He gave her a magic looking glass and a magic camera to take pictures of the mirror with and she gazed into it, wondering what she might see....

And there she saw a small pretty woman, with sparkling eyes and laughing mouth and beautiful shining hair. And whenever she showed people her face in the mirror, they suddenly saw that she could be beautiful too and she actually started to believe in herself. She took lots of pretty pictures that people told her were wonderful and she believed them.

But then along came a Joker, who loved to make people laugh. And he pointed at the small person and started to laugh at her hair and her size and her spots. And he tore up her pictures and spat on them on the floor. And he called her names and followed her round and wouldn't leave her alone. And he laughed so loudly he made everyone laugh at her and forget what they had seen in the mirror. She looked once more at her reflection and realised she was still the same small fat spotty person that she had always been. And she started to cry because she hated herself and her weak will and her lack of balance.

Then I woke up.
And I started to cry...

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Birthday beckons

Tomorrow is my birthday and I shall celebrate it- strange word for the way it makes me feel- in the bosum of my family. Not friends though, as son2 cruelly likes to point out to me, I don't have many of them. Well, I do, but none of them celebrate my birthday with me as I have studiously avoided that over the years. So much so, they all forget until 2 weeks later....
Anyways, I am one year on from this and today feeling no better. It is odd how anniversaries bring out the sorrowful in me. Maybe as I look back over the 48 years (not that I can remember all of them) and think of how many of them started with a prayer, or thoughts of the Lord. Now they start with nothingness, just thoughts of me and how terribly low I have sunk. Like my bread crumbs...
Which, incidentally, stood for my tetchiness, my bitchiness, my naughtiness and my wounding of self.
The latter of which I am doing now, by pondering all the negative and pushing anything positive firmly out my mind. And the first I did earlier, as I got up and realised I would have to tidy my bedroom as hubbie's mother will be sleeping in it tonight and will no doubt make some comment about how unkempt it all is even after I tidy it. (That's the bitchiness done...)
Now all I have to do is be naughty....


I digress....
I am just filled with a overwhelming sorrow this morning. If I stop to think, I just cry, if I listen to music, similar. But grief is unstoppable, everlasting, this I know, and it also eases if it is allowed to act, so I shall have my half hour of tears and hopefully be ready to dry my eyes, put on my false face and smile as the postman brings no cards but bills and magazines for me to read and inwardly digest so I can continue in the job I hate....

Uh oh....
Self pity mode
I shall give my self a kick in ten minutes and get on with it.
Should have thrown that in the pond too.....
Happy Birthday for tomorrow to me, may the next year be a less sorrowful one again.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Tomorrow

I miss ritual
Easter vigil
The symbolism
Light, water, fire, rebirth
I am going to take a bit back tomorrow
Sunday is my birthday
I plan tomorrow to celebrate my rebirthing day!
By casting crumbs into the water
By thinking of what within me has been good and that works well and that loves and rejoices
Of what has been bad and mean and vindictive and thoughtless
Of what could do with increasing
And what could be decreased
And I shall cast my faults upon the water
And let them swim round
Naked in the clear bubbling stream
Let them be purified
Watered
Washed
Cleaned
And returned to me, because they are mine!
My faults
That I should own
Accept
Be responsible for
Work on, one by one, but always see as part of the whole
That is me....

Amd sometimes I am mean
Thoughtless
Vindictive
Bitchy
Ever so slightly naughty...........

It is part of me
And I need to say sorry when that part of me hurts others
Offer reparation
Move on
And try again......but not get so down if I fail......

Have a good day tomorrow
Find some joy in something you pass unexpectedly
And smile as you think of the mad mother casting her bread upon the water
Smiling as she thinks back over a truly adventurous year...

Monday, September 10, 2007

Casting out

I look back on a year of change.
Starting with tears and deep sorrow as with a crash my birthday came
And I realised that things would never be the same
I would never celebrate the whole of it
Raise my hands with joy to the Lord again
And I wept

Then I moved on
In pain and despair
With a heavy heart, walking as far as I could
Till the going got too much
And I faltered

So time and space were given
And gratefully received
And answers sketched out
In multicoloured hues
Some so clear they screamed out in red
Others a dull lifeless beige
Some seemed to be answers but were more questions
Pushing me along
With the aid of guides in disguise
Angels dressed in strange clothing

Then back up
To face the threats
The gripped muscles, the tightened throat
To stand firm against the tide
Not to allow a tear to fall or a heart to ache
But to relieve it all in idle play later
But even that turned against me
And left me wandering out in the cavern
Wondering how to find light
How to move out
And when

So now, at my feet I have my life
My love, my family, my friends
Those who like me, those who do not
But mainly at my feet I have what will be my choice...
Of what my life shall be
Laid out in its fullness
All of it there

What to keep?
What to let go?
How to decide?
What to chose?

Tomorrow shall be a day of thinking....

Rosh Hashanah

"In another long-standing tradition, called Tashlikh ("casting off"), worshippers walk to a creek or a river and empty their pockets or cast bread crumbs into it, symbolizing the casting off of their sins of the previous year. This is usually done on the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashanah"
I think I need to do a bit of casting off myself
A touch of reflection
About current habits and ways of living
And think about what I actually want
And if I actually know that

So Wed will find me down the allotment with some bread crumbs and hopefully an idea of what I am casting away, standing by the bridge looking into the brook
I have 48 hours or so to meditate and decide what needs to stay and what should go......
Watch this space!

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Faith

video

it's just not the same faith I used to have....

Poem by Mary Oliver

Music Every December Sky, Beth Nielsen Chapman