Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Spent the weekend in Leeds with son2- he off seeing a friend, me off to town, window shopping, eating olives and drinking green tea with jasmine contemplating the last time I had done such a thing.
And in the evenings we talked. About life and love and relationships, cabbages and kings.
About what do you do when you feel your heart wrenched from you by rejection, loss, separation. Fifteen year olds can be quite insightful, and he could see much that i wouldn't even have grasped at his age.
But then he has Son1 to live with, to learn from, to use as a tool instead of a hinderance in his walk through the jungle that is adolescence.
And my heart aches, which have plagued me since the dreadful loss of all I held dear, are a tool for me too, to colour my words with reality and pain, felt, experienced, still present in some small way. But easier to carry.
And day after tomorrow is November the First which means just one thing.......


50,000 words- my aim is to complete by Nov 15th....
That's over 3,000 words per day.
I shall get my finger cream at the ready, my coffee pot filled in anticipation of a story the begining I haven't even started to sketch out in my mind!
It'll keep me off the streets.......and at the computer, where I belong.
So watch out for a small scatty welsh person, who is busy scratching her head and trying to think of ways of stopping her characters take over the plot again. Point her gently in the direction of Wales and tell her to get back to typing, or face the consequences......

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Fallen like leaves

"Don't you come round here and tell me I told you so"
Sarah McLachlan "Fallen"

I have sunk quite low too
Messed up
Not done what a woman of my upbringing and inheritance should have done
Which was to carry on walking the path I should have
Carrying the faith high, full, complete
In my heart, my soul, my mind....

But I lost it
Or I threw it away
No matter which- and I know which one I believe happened
It has gone
And I am now in the cavern of darkness
Fallen so low
With the voices of a million
Laughing in my ears
At my stupidity and foolishness

And still I do not stop!
I carry on crawling around in the cavern
As if soon, somewhere, I will find some light in this darkness
A gem
A hidden secret
Instead of decaying rubbish

But suddenly I realise
I have not fallen
I had lowered myself down
Lowered myself to the floor
And this decaying rubbish
That I feel with my hands?
No! Beautiful fallen leaves
of multicoloured shades

They whisper to me
Trying to make me hear
Words that I need

"We need to be here" they say

"And you do too
The summer does not last forever
Neither does the winter
It cycles round
We are part of that cycle
Of birth and growth and death
And we finish in a flourish
Of flame coloured skies
Horizons filled with our glory
Before we descend to the floor
and cover it with a carpet of fire
for children to run through
Screaming and kicking
Seeming to abuse us,
but no
no abuse
they are growing too
as they need to
as he did too

You will grow
You are the indestructable Cat
who will not fail
despite being shaken
despite the tears
that have dried on their own

You will not break
You will see this dance through to the end
Because it is what you will do
What you want to do

We cannot hold to the tree
When our time comes to fall
We let ourselves down
Like you did
And lie here
Like you have

But now it is time for you to rise
To get up
and go
On with your dance
of exploration

and run through us first!
Kicking and laughing
Make us fly with the joy of your dance
And go in peace and contentment
For you will not be broken
And there is much more to find
Much more to live for......

Saturday, October 13, 2007


I am a container
A receptacle
For other people
For their rubbish
Their hatred, their anger, their despair
Their sorrow, their rage, their resentment

I take it in
Absorb it
Detoxify it
Send it out, hopefully with the burden lightened
For them
For me

But sometimes I get tired
And weary
And my containment slows and screeches to a halt
Inside the turmoil and anguish of many lurches around
And crashes into the delicate coils and cogs of the machinary that keeps me going

Then I need to go offline
Time out
Space from all

From others, their lives, their problems
From me....

I need that time and space now
I have over filled the container to bursting
And the tears are flowing out
And there is no holy water or magic spell to sprinkle on it
To heal it
and me
and help me glide on

My fault
My responsibility

Yet despite the gripping inside me
Of a thousand hands and voices in despair
I know that in the end all will be well

I have been through worse, far worse
Through a woman seeking to end my life
Through my son's near death and damage
Through the loss of my reason for living

My tears will dry on their own
I will survive
And I will not be broken
And I will continue to grow and dance in the darkness
Until I see the light again