Sunday, December 23, 2007

Untethered and free

So we sat in the cafe, tables surrounding us full of healthy young men who could chat and talk normally and ride bikes without falling off them. And he accepted that he wouldn't be going to the college that he had dreamt of and he accepted that we would find a way though. And we made plans and then walked out into the crisp winter sunshine, ice still on the ground, the trees brown now, no leaf to be seen. But sure as day follows night, spring follows winter, and I am no mere passive recipient of what life delivers. Just as a farmer tends the crop to ensure a full harvest, I can tend my life, my loves. I can plant, I can nuture, I can tend and I can create. And I can still dance in the darkness and be assured I will not die until he has had every drop of help I can squeeze out of me and give to him to live his independent dream. My spirit will live on after I die in those drops I hand onto him and I do not and will not surrender. Ever No matter how bad I feel now or in the future.
That is my creed, that is my promise.
Merry Xmas.

Man gets tired; Spirit don't
Man surrenders; Spirit won't
Man crawls; Spirit flies
Spirit lives when man dies

Man seems; Spirit is
Man dreams; Spirit lives
Man is tethered; Spirit free
What spirit is man can be

Saturday, December 22, 2007


Rejection is acutely painful
Especially when the reason why is not known
I want to ask why but am afraid of the answer
So we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again.
Risking again rejection and pain.

But if someone could tell me the answer to why, it might make the hurt go away....

A strange year 2007

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

A crumb

A frantic morning, begun by being locked out of the team base as no one was there to open up, on possibly the coldest morning of the year then a fractious meeting and a rush to get back for the afternoon. A client was running late so more gnashing of teeth. "Where is my crumb?" thought I, wishing there was a Cat around I could kick.

Then it arrived in the shape of a card from the client, hand made beautifully with appreciative words inside. Client thought I could keep it and on difficult days use it to remind myself that it was worthwhile, I did make a difference.

I will do just that.
Much better than finding another Cat I can kick.

Monday, December 10, 2007


When I was a Christian and I was feeling low, I used to pray for small crumbs of comfort- that things would happen that would set a light in the darkness for me. Small things, maybe an encouraging letter from someone, a silly thing happening with the kids, some good news...something from the bible, maybe.
Sometimes I would get them, sometimes not. But I used to actually search, seek things that would stir my dismal days and that probably, more than anything else lifted me.

I found myself yearning for those days earlier today. Work is incredibly busy in the run up to Christmas, Son2 is busy failing exams nonchalantly and Son1 isn't getting to sleep before midnight. I can't fix Son2's computer and today I realised I lost a voucher my mother asked me to get her for my brother....amongst other things.

All I want is a small crumb of comfort...something I used to often get out of a psalm or a verse from the gospel. Because I believed the message it gave.

So I am going to search the house and my life till I find that crumb, because otherwise I'll be sitting in a puddle of tears by Christmas and hubbie will be thinking of leaving as he can't cope with the demand for tissues...

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

On the other hand

Yesterday and this morning were moments connected of raw emotion and pain.
The mind could not engage to reduce the seering feelings of loss and regret.
But now the storm has quietened, I have started to think...
On the other hand...
Things now make sense
No more trying to fit square pegs into round holes and pretending they fit
No more needing to believe ten impossible implausible things before breakfast, half of them so bizarre, even the Red Queen would have difficulty
No more needing to accept a version of love that includes eternal damnation
No more needing to divide according to preferences of things put in holes
No more justice that if given out by man would be regarded as evil
No more needing to believe a fantasy that hides despair and doubt, hate and power behind it.

Instead, this is what there is.
My boys
The world
Things bad and good, nice and nasty, sad and happy
To be lived and tolerated and relished and enjoyed

The other hand is an ok way to live and live it I mean to do.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


Of all the losses I have suffered, the loss of You was the greatest.
For You would stay with me when all else left.
When I lay behind the sofa crying as a child
When I lay in my bed sobbing as an adult
My tears in the ward looking down on the child being damaged
You were there
And as I grieved for the boy lost, the man who was not to be
I took comfort in knowing that one day
With you
He would be free and whole and not suffer anymore
That you would make all well

But then
Two years ago
Driving to work
I lost You
And it hurt

The hole you left I have tried to fill
With music and fun and frolics
Poetry, rhyme and pictures
Pain and pleasure intermixed

But it is unfillable
It stays there, a gaping sore which says
The damage will not be undone
The boy and the man you lost are gone forever
The suffering has no glorious purpose
It just is

Loss hurts
It pains
It strains my whole being

And some say I wanted this pain...
No, never
If I could go back and be part again of the blissful ignorance of before
I would
At least
I would today
Because today
All I can feel
is Loss