Monday, September 19, 2011

How do I keep from singing?

I used to love that song. Would play it, joyfully, meaning every word.
No storm will break my innermost calm
While to this rock I'm clinging...
Now no rock to cling to
Just my weak feeble puny self
With my faulty wired brain letting me down
How do I keep from crying?
My sinuses are sore from tears today
My head aches
Each time a how are you and a kind word flew my way that was it
Tap on again
And through the tears a sense of hopelessness
Will I ever get back to where I was?
A still small voice whispers through the flood
Amused, but firm, she laughs
You always do
You will sing again
And dance
be kind to yourself
Forgive yourself
Kindness will win over the tyrant brain
Let yourself live in peace once more........
How then will you keep from singing?

Friday, July 15, 2011


Finally gone back on antidepressants after two years free. The last straw was Monday when I couldn't actually stop crying in work or think my way around problems. Today I am calmer but that is probably because of the combined efforts of no work, Prozac starting and Valium last night, which I took to terminate the mother of all panic attacks. My limbic brain is in big trouble with me now, thought records litter my room but it insists on telling me I am a failure and offering me a way out, which I am not going to take.
So backwards step? No, positive one. This biological flaw of mine, present in most of my father's siblings and his father- one of the first to have ECT is a biological flaw. I can control it to a certain extent but when the pain gets too much and the feelings turn to dust, then it is not a surrender but a step forward.
This is not a failure. This is acceptence and will lead to strengthening of that inner core and defeat of that pesky limbic brain! So as the sun goes down, I focus not on the night, but on the morning that will follow, and think of the flowers lit up by the rays of the sun.....