Thursday, February 28, 2008

Son1- college interview2

Posted elsewhere yesterday:-

Taking older boy (19) for an interview in college later. He goes to a special school for people with his disability but failed to get a place in one of the few residential colleges in the country.
So this is second best, although I am seriously impressed with the learning support staff who know what they are doing and how to deal with him. He is determined that one day he will be independent and have his own place, a job and friends like everyone else...

And he has learnt a lot already from life, having been through several nasty illnesses and having to learn to cope with difficulties and the awareness of his differences. At times he would be wrecked by the knowledge that however hard he tried, he couldn't do what son2 did or understand things as quickly and as deeply as he does. He hurt so much then and it was anguish watching him cry as he came to terms with it all when I couldn't do it either.

But he rode it well and has come though a determined young man, who will never win quizzes or be any sort of Einstein, but hopefully will learn to be independent, both practically, and emotionally, so that when I go, he will be able to carry on living and enjoying life.
That's all I want for him, for either of them really...

Ok, better get my skates on and stop rambling away to myself here. Now all I have to do is find my car keys....

And he did well and got a place on an office administration course "unconditional" with a support worker to help him along. Then, in a year, he will have finished and be on his own in the big bad will be up to us then.

Daunting thought
But we will succeed, of that I have no doubt. His determination and my stubbornness and hubbie's quiet sensible strength together means we cannot and will not fail.
I hope
But optimistically...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Underneath the stars

Left at midnight
Underneath the stars
Twinkling high above
Looking down, seeing all
Like once I believed
All I said
Was observed
Weighed in the balance

So now only the stars look down
And twinkle and laugh
At my foolishness and weakness
My humanity
The fragile frame that sits shakily here
Pressing onwards
In love
The best I can
And when I go wrong
I no longer regret
But live
And learn
And find that the answer is the same!

To suffer less
Love more

Go gently.....

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

All I want....

At the moment is to be better. My tummy problems have been round for several months now and any attempt to consume a standard meal results in great groaning and complaining from the bowels of my bowels....
And I now keep a bookcase in the loo to keep me entertained.
My dear docs have been less than useful in all this, deciding first it was an infection, then looking at me as it was all in my mind....
But my weight has steadily decreased (2 stone now) and I am weak and having to reduce my BP medication....
I just want to be normal again! As my people say to me...........
Anyway, a new appt in a week, hopefully will have some progress to report then.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I'm OK, you're OK- and don't you forget it!

From Counselling for Toads by Robert de Board (great book)
"Being OK and believing that other are, requires behavious and attitudes which continually demonstrate this, both to yourself and others. And it certainly is not a shelter from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

"I see" said Toad. "You mean to say that to say "I'm OK, you're OK" is really an act of faith?"

"Yes I do." answered Heron. "It is very near to being the Humanist's credo, a belief in oneself and others that does not require a belief in a god or the supernatural."

"You make it sound very solemn" said Toad.

"If by "solemn" you mean full of importance" said Heron "I don't disagree."

Neither do I.
I'm OK, you're OK.
And don't you forget it.
Cat xxx

Fingers and thumbs....

So there I was, lying on the floor of the cavern, thinking, drinking in the scent of those leaves that were dying to become mulch for next year's growth. Thinking of those fingers and thumbs, the first set, that had proded clumsily where they were not wanted, then those second fingers, that had expertly picked the scabs from the healing wounds, leaving them raw, painful, exposed again, before leaving laughing and joking, not seeing me as I lay crying, from more than just this.

But as I lay there, thinking, grieving, breathing, crying, laughing, living; they healed again. Leaving no scab to be picked, just the scar to betray the pain once suffered.

And I pulled myself to my feet and ventured off into unknown parts again; enjoying the thrill of exploration alone in the dark, treachorous cave. And then came another set of fingers and thumbs, another guide and fellow traveller touching me softly in the dark, weaving a story of life and love and strangers together in a hilarious blanket of comfort and fun.

Had I learnt to be cautious? To judge with eyes of suspicion and mistrust?
I will trust till given cause not to.
And dance and weave with my companion until it is time for us to part...