Friday, April 07, 2006

Deep sighs...

Ok, pity post, that sort of mood triggered by something I've just read...
Skip if you're feeling down and go and get some ice cream instead.


Do you want to know how many mortal sins I am committing, according to something I read today?
In brief and none too accurately, loads.
By not going to mass, not receiving communion, not going to confession, etc etc. And mortal sin is a sin that
"brings death to the soul and offends God very much."
So I've had my chips, basically.
And I have tried so hard to make myself believe in god, I have honestly.

I've read and prayed and thought and not thought and I just cannot see him there anymore.
I thought I'd got somewhere, to a stage of accepting that god would find me.
But that seems to have fizzled out...
Because I want to be able to believe again as I did before, to join the prayers, the rosary, the chat and to really believe that he is there.
You'd have thought wanting to believe so much that something would happen
But it doesn't and I am left, false face on being happy and joyful but dying inside.

I wish I was in that blissful state of belief and trust
But it has gone, never to return.
So, I just have to accept it, have an occasional moan like now, but accept that for me, there is no god
I can create a god out of my belief in the overwhelming importance of kindness and loving all
But it will never replace the god I thought I knew and loved
And that I will just have to live with...
If I could turn back time

3 comments:

Rosa_Mystica said...

Oh, Sweetie! (*Hugs Cat*)

I experience similar things- really. I'm still affected by talk of "mortal sin", and all that other guilt-inducing talk that the Catholic hierarchy likes to throw at its followers. Truthfully, the more I hear it, the more sickened I feel by it.

As far as I'm concerned, if you've tried your best to believe- and *couldn't*- then that is NOT a punishable offence. Such an idea goes completely against logic. I know it's hard to let go of certain ideas (heck, my deconversion has been putting me through the ringer, too). But you'll figure something out. You sound like an intelligent person to me- always have.

*Hugs* again!

Rosa

Cat said...

Thanks Rosa- lots of hugs for you too!
I got myself in a mood yesterday and couldn't shake it.
Not helped by my indecisiveness about what I am or call myself- I don't believe in god yet still find myself praying- to what I am not sure of...
I've just got to get back to dancing the dance and accepting if there is a god, he'll come and join me...

aaron said...

/me slides cat a cross.

We are all a sinner of wretch porpotions. If we were not our Lord would not have had to take our sins upon his back and crufied himself upon calvery.

He who tells you he is not a sinner and belive they have warned the path is lost in cloud of desset.

:hug: the cross can lift those sins away.