Monday, February 13, 2006

This morning

I prayed this morning
2 decades of the rosary
There have been a lot of talk on GA about trying to believe/not believe and I thought I'd give it a go again
But something was missing
I couldn't connect
I got back to the pleading stage again
I just tried to open myself up to God and say sorry, forgive me, come back
But it didn't work
My mind wouldn't switch off
It kept interrupting with all those rational arguments that got me into this place in the first place
In the end, I stopped.
I had intended to do all 5 decades but I only got as far as two
I still prayed, though, till I reached work and walked in

Then all else blew out of my mind as I faced once more the awfulness of man's inhumanity to man
And thought, is this all there is?
With God, at least I can imagine a glorious ending to the sorrow
With this, nothing
Perhaps Stormy was right, I'm just trying to fool myself, no one else
But I cannot believe any more, despite all the arguments I read as to why others believe
I'm stuck with my grey world, adrift on the sea of subjectivity, wracking my brain for "answers to why" when my whole being cringes at the thought of certain wrongs.
And with no one to blame but me...

and it's a big but
I DON'T believe and I can't believe just because I want to.
I want it back so much today and it just won't come.


Rosa Mystica said...

Oh Sweetheart,

I am so, sorry this is happening to you. I know these past couple of months have been very difficult for you. If I were where you're at, I'd give you a big hug and tell you it was all going to be okay.

Cat, I'm going through something very similar as well. I have days where I wish I was a devout Catholic like I used to be. But sometimes, belief comes when you least expect it. I can't promise that this will happen definitely, but it certainly isn't impossible. There *is* such a thing as a reconverted deconvert. And most importantly, belief has to return at the right time. You shouldn't let Stormy or anyone else pressure you into thinking a certain way just b/c they believe you should.

I don't know what the future will bring. But you never know- you might just get your belief in God back one day. Just try not to force it, okay sweetheart?

*Hugs* again,

Cat said...

Thanks Rosa
I was at a bit of a low ebb yesterday one way or another
I should switch off the computer when that happens...
As to Lourdes, I guess I dread it because I know I'll have to confront a lot of things that maybe I write about but can avoid, such as strong faith in others and questioning from living beings who probably won't take no for an answer. In additon, it's hard work and I usually come back exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally. Like I said, if I didn't know I was needed to go so much, I probably wouldn't. But the kids are great and usually you end up having your heart torn into little pieces by their strength and vitality, so perhaps I should focus on the good I've got out of the trip then the negative sides.

stephanie said...


a.a. said...