I prayed this morning
2 decades of the rosary
There have been a lot of talk on GA about trying to believe/not believe and I thought I'd give it a go again
But something was missing
I couldn't connect
I got back to the pleading stage again
I just tried to open myself up to God and say sorry, forgive me, come back
But it didn't work
My mind wouldn't switch off
It kept interrupting with all those rational arguments that got me into this place in the first place
In the end, I stopped.
I had intended to do all 5 decades but I only got as far as two
I still prayed, though, till I reached work and walked in
Then all else blew out of my mind as I faced once more the awfulness of man's inhumanity to man
And thought, is this all there is?
With God, at least I can imagine a glorious ending to the sorrow
With this, nothing
Perhaps Stormy was right, I'm just trying to fool myself, no one else
But I cannot believe any more, despite all the arguments I read as to why others believe
I'm stuck with my grey world, adrift on the sea of subjectivity, wracking my brain for "answers to why" when my whole being cringes at the thought of certain wrongs.
And with no one to blame but me...
and it's a big but
I DON'T believe and I can't believe just because I want to.
I want it back so much today and it just won't come.