Sadness

First a disclaimer...
Please don't feel obliged to answer this
I'm writing things because it helps me get things out
It's going to be a bit of a pity party, so feel free to skip it if needed- talk about death and sorrow coming up
I'd advise you go and get a cup of tea and skip this until I post again.


On Friday, I saw someone
By Monday, she was dead
When I found out, initially, I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary, but today I feel an overwhelming sadness
My first experience of death since losing faith
Before I would always have the hope that goes with belief
Now death = the end
No more
One day, I too will die and be no more
Every day I live brings me one step closer to that day, which will come.
And inside I feel a deep sorrow
Perhaps sadness is a better word
It started yesterday as I thought about T and his emotions
And it had its echoes in the weekend, where Mw asked me about who would look after T when we go
As I once more face the painful truth that T will always be in need and I will not be there to look over him, as I once believed
Not able to be there and pray
Not able to be re-united in heaven with him, now whole, now beyond his suffering
He suffers now in vain, it has no meaning
However tortuous before the meaning I made, at least I gained some comfort from it
Now no comfort points, no rejoicing in the Lord
Just sheer unadulterated sorrow
In what is and what might have been.

I'm so sorry...
Sleep sweetly