First a disclaimer...
Please don't feel obliged to answer this
I'm writing things because it helps me get things out
It's going to be a bit of a pity party, so feel free to skip it if needed- talk about death and sorrow coming up
I'd advise you go and get a cup of tea and skip this until I post again.
On Friday, I saw someone
By Monday, she was dead
When I found out, initially, I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary, but today I feel an overwhelming sadness
My first experience of death since losing faith
Before I would always have the hope that goes with belief
Now death = the end
One day, I too will die and be no more
Every day I live brings me one step closer to that day, which will come.
And inside I feel a deep sorrow
Perhaps sadness is a better word
It started yesterday as I thought about T and his emotions
And it had its echoes in the weekend, where Mw asked me about who would look after T when we go
As I once more face the painful truth that T will always be in need and I will not be there to look over him, as I once believed
Not able to be there and pray
Not able to be re-united in heaven with him, now whole, now beyond his suffering
He suffers now in vain, it has no meaning
However tortuous before the meaning I made, at least I gained some comfort from it
Now no comfort points, no rejoicing in the Lord
Just sheer unadulterated sorrow
In what is and what might have been.
I'm so sorry...