Sunday, February 19, 2006

Talking to people about it all

I can talk to hubbie
At least, I talk, he listens, although he did get a bit forceful with me today over the matter of faith
He reckons I believe on faith just as much as he does, that neither of us have proof.
He may be right.
But he also knows I cannot force myself to believe.

So yesterday I visited my parents, my brother, wife and child were visiting.
All Christian
And of course, church came up
"When are you going to church this weekend" she asked
I rapidly thought:
1.Mother has not told them
2. Do I lie or do I just tell the truth

I went for the truth.
There was an awkward silence...
Nothing else was said until later
As I went to leave, SIL followed me and asked me what was happening.
I was too upset to talk and said I couldn't talk about it.
So she rang me today, wanting to know what was wrong.
"I realise I don't know you like I thought I did." she said.

I couldn't talk to her about it- I was in the bath, I hadn't slept much and I just couldn't get the words out.
So she's going to email me something she wants me to read and wants me to reply, telling her what is wrong.
She also told me my mother cried after I left...

I hate all this.

1 comment:

faerieeva said...

*cuddles you close* Isn't it horrid how people try to guilt you into believing? How can they make you feel so horrid about something like that!
Of course I understand... for them it's a life and death matter... if they don't convince you, they will loose you after this life. I think God is more forgiving than that. He will know that you tried... and He will know when strength ran out and things just simply didn't add up or make sense anymore. I wish you could feel His embrace, but I can't be angry for you for not feeling it or not believing anymore that it's there. That would mean denying you my embrace as well, and that would be wrong!