I felt awful yesterday, after the call from my SIL and we went out and about.
During the drive, as so often, I slipped into praying (it's still a habit) and pleading.
And for the first time, I had what I used to have, an answer.
Now don't ask me what now, because I cannot remember, but it took my breathe away.
It only happened once
I have thought about my "answers from God" that I used to get, and decided they were my thoughts, my wishes, but it hadn't happened since I stopped believeing.
Anyhow, things stayed much the same overnight.
Couldn't sleep well again and finally got off to bed at gone 1am.
Up this morning, usual routine, except the kids stayed in bed (half term)
I switched on the computer to check the emails before work and (naturally) logged into the forums.
I read a couple of mesages sent to me and posted once or twice, switched it off...
...and then was overwhelmed with a feeling.
Now it may sound fanciful, but it sometimes used to happen before when I believed, but not for ages.
I felt wrapped in love, that's the only way I could describe it, and joy.
The awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that had been there for the last few months went.
I didn't have anything else than that and I just held it.
I folded the wings of intellect and just held it.
What was it and where did it come from?
I know what some of you might say...
So I drove to work, past the spot where I looked into the sky and realised god wasn't there all those weeks ago
I looked into the sky again, and still did not see god there
But I felt something inside, not god, but some sort of strength
Perhaps because I suddenly realised what I was feeling
It was a lack of fear and dread.
This is what I had read, and these words spoke to me and reassured me.
After hearing all that, I looked at this bright young man and said “You’re right, there is no such god like that. I am an atheist too when it comes to that god.” In fact, the god he described to me was more like the pagan gods of old who always had to be kept happy or they would not send the rain for the fields or they would cause other mischief in humans’ lives. These false gods of our pagan past were more like powerful super humans who were self centered and self serving. Of course these gods didn’t exist.
Now, I know that I still don't believe in god.
But at least I also know that people who believe in God don't believe in this one either
This god of horror and torture and fear
None of this probably makes sense to anyone but me, but today for the first time in ages, I felt OK, really OK.
And I know if God is there, he will not let me go, and I can say that with confidence.
And if God is not there, I have done my best to live this life the best I can for me and my family and that is more than enough for me...