The Gospel according to Job

By Mike Mason
A book I was advised to read.
Now when I was in dire straits as a Christian, Job was the book that finally led me forward.
I had been raging, questioning, yelling and striking out at god for so long.
When finally I understood what it was saying;
It said to me to trust in the Lord;
That all would be well if I were but to hold on;
That however bad things were, however seperate I felt from god;
Reality was different.
I was not.
He was always there.
So I should think not anymore, question not, but trust.

In essence, that is what this book says too...

"If Jesus Christ is our Lord, we must allow Him not only to inform our thinking, but to override it. If we are never prepared to take a step without a clear understanding of where we are going, and if we have no experience of folding the wings of the intellect and of doing things for no other reason than that the voice of God is speaking in our hearts, then as much as we may think we know the Lord, we are still hanging back from what it means to be known by him."

To fold the wings of intellect and rely on faith...
How can I do that now?
I can relate to that so well, it was how I stayed a Christian for 40+ years, but now I cannot unlearn the things that I have learnt, neither can I hear the voice of god speaking to me in my heart.
"By love God can be caught and held, but by thinking, never."
(Cloud of unknowing)

All straw (Thomas Aquinas, towards the end of his life)

All I can see is straw now too, perhaps not as he did though...

I cannot look at the bible that once held truth for me and see anything now other than fables of a people creating a god for themselves.
Or an elaborated preacher, whose life history was embelished with miracles and wonders but whose teachings, though often wise, also contained the horror and cruelty of hell and eternal fire.
I cannot look at the church who once I held with such reverence and not see the corruption and the harm that it did and is doing.
I cannot look at my former brothers and sisters without realising that what they are is no different from those without the faith and no different from me now.
I have lost faith, it is gone, it has been destroyed.
So if I fold the wings of intellect, there is no faith to hold me up anymore.
I will just plummet from the sky into the abyss.

So I need to keep those wings unfolded and learn to use them.
Learn to fly and to sense the wonder of that flight; the mystery and joy and exhilaration.
Yes, there might be hardship, yes, there will be trouble.
But life is here for living, not mourning before death.
For dancing and flying while I can.
And when it comes to the time to go, to leave this life and go into silence.
Then I can look back and I want to see more than just straw left behind...

So no miracle through this book
No reconversion
But maybe it will help me move on
As I realise I cannot hold a faith that is contrary to reason
And finally let go the wish to grasp it back...