Friday, January 13, 2006

Saturday January 7th 2006

Saturday, January 07, 2006
Telling mother
Told my mother
Went about as well and wonderfully as I thought it would, although to be fair to her, she was very upset yet managed to keep from shouting at me.
She did cry though and I hated the fact that I was hurting her
She said she was glad I told her though, it couldn't go unsaid.
In summary she posed a number of questions including
why it happened,
why I couldn't just trust and rely on faith to get me through the dark night of the soul (like so many do)
what was I going to live for now,
what was stopping me going out and doing anything- if she'd not believed in god
she would have done what she wilt, so to speak.
The most difficult moment came when she spoke about son2.
What if what I did caused him to lapse, how would I feel? He follows me strongly,what if I caused him to leave the faith and I was wrong?
I faltered and she pounced- not so sure, hey!!
But it's really a sort of Pascal's wager with a twist- not only would I be in hell in this version, son2 would and it would be all my fault.
Raises the stakes.
My rational thinking ground to a halt at this stage and I muttered about him choosing his own path etc. while my tummy churned.
I must admit why I faltered here is that thought has popped into my head on its own in the last few days, since telling son2.
I guess I'm willing to take the consequences if I'm wrong (though I don't believe I am wrong.)
But causing someone else to go to hell brings about a new series of thoughts.

It's somewhat like a "magical thinking" task I've had in a lecture.
You get someone to write down the name of the person they love most in the world
on a piece of paper. Then you get them to write "will die horribly in a crash in the next ten minutes" next to it.
A large percentage cannot do it and also get very distressed at the prospect of doing it.

So just the thought that I am putting son2 and hell together scares the wits out
of me at the moment, however irrational that may seem, given what I'm saying.
As a result of all this, I'm back not sleeping again and after my chat with my
mother, shaking as well.
She finished by telling me she's going to pray and I will return because god
will not leave her prayers unanswered.
And the reason I look so ill and pale and am not sleeping is because god is
trying to tell me this is the wrong way for me to go.

So if anyone has a hole I can crawl into and hide, I'd be grateful, it's all I
feel like doing today.

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