5th December 2005
I suppose this was the day it culminated
I had tried so hard over the weekend, reading bits and pieces
I was in pain, unable to sleep and emotionally wrecked
And Monday morning I drove to work, looked in the sky and thought "There's no one there"
I don't even know if I thought it or just realised it or what
But I no longer believed
This is what is hardest to describe
When doubt becomes disbelief
It just did...
I couldn't stop shaking all day
I couldn't eat
I couldn't sleep that night
I told Mike what had happened and he was so upset, for days after
I felt empty, without anywhere left to turn, as if a big hole existed where god once lived
But I couldn't believe that there was anything there but us anymore
It was like the world, which had been fuzzy, had suddenly come back into focus
All the things I had difficulty with were explained so much better by there being no god
Without god there is no hell, no need to explain how a loving god can do this
No gigantic cosmic practical joke where every time something goes right, something else goes wrong
No need to try and interpret his will or understand it
No need to account for "why"
No need to force my brain around so many conflicting theologies and decide which
one is right
But no matter what I wanted to believe, I just couldn't make myself
My mind just keeps telling me it is all untrue
It was the saddest, most difficult day ever
Every bone in my body hurt
And all I wanted was to be back where I was before, believing, trusting, loving him and being loved back
But it was gone forever...
And I had to look for another way to live and keep going