Friday, January 13, 2006


It started in September
Not a good month Sept for us
Son1 finds September difficult
He has had 2 of his psychotic episodes then, stressed out by the start of a new
His brain damaged at birth, perceiving the world through a haze of static and
left sided epileptic discharges
Producing nasty nasty voices, threatening him, tormenting him
And equally difficult sensations, his right hand vanishing, his arm being erased
as the voices said he would be destroyed
He would lie, quaking in my arms, unsure of how to avoid his demise
And I would weep and stare at my icons and wordlessly pray to God to carry me

The medication didn't help
It left him sedated, trembling and drooling
Eventually they changed it and finally some control
So now he has the occasional voice that as long as he felt happy, he could tell
was his mind playing tricks
If he was sad or cross or upset, he couldn't...

So September always came with a worry of repetition of this
And this year, I was already out on a limb
And the limb was starting to break

By the end of September
..things were moving at a pace.
Son1 was difficult and sad
Aware he was different, he wanted to be like son2
Articulate, clever, friendly, popular
Not the way he was
Tears flowed and I could not ease his pain
And in the virtual world, going out on a limb was not easy
Discussions led some to comment on my intent, my stance
"Is not what the church says good enough for you anymore?"
Well, actually, no, it wasn't.
Holes were starting to appear.
My research had started.
I had decided, rightly or wrongly, to look deeply at what I believed, to subject
it to scrutiny, as if I was encountering it for the first time.
Yes, God was with me, I felt and he would protect me and guide me as I searched.
But deep inside, I knew there was a possiblity that I could be undone.I could
find out things that I did not want to know.

But that was a chance I had to take.
Emotionally, I was a wreck and to continue
in my state of mind was unthinkable.
So onward I went, examining and reading, online but more especially off.
I tentatively tried to engage in discussion on the internet, but it was seen as
debating and treated as such. I was told if things upset me, I shouldn't go
there, I should turn away from it...

My fault, perhaps, should have made myself clearer.
I had to go there, no choice.
The answers given were followed up but things became messier.
And the solid facts I sought- on the gospels, the Dead Sea Scrolls all began to
point to having been told some half truths.
What did gospel truth actually mean? Where was the evidence that any of it was
It started to look more and more elaborated to me and as I tried to intergrate
that with my Catholic views, it wouldn't go.
So stage one emerged- doubts about my Catholicism...

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