Sunday, January 22, 2006

Feeling awful

Told another family member
And yet another person in church knows
"You look after yourself, OK?" was all she said
I saw her at church- I had agreed to play as otherwise they would have no music

I chickened out of telling the priest and my mother in law
Just couldn't find a way to get the words out

I'll have to soon

And my head hurts where I cracked it against the boot of the car yesterday and cut it
Son1 was there and seemed unimpressed as I staggered around, trying not to swear
He was more concerned about the fate of the cake I'd just brought and on looking at my blood stained scalp merely uttered
"Huh! I've had MUCH worse."
I drove home somehow and was ministered to by hubbie

I just wish I could get all this letting people know over so I can work out how to get on with living this new way
I so miss so much already that my religion gave to me in terms of structure and framework of everyday life
I feel quite alone in this world where everyone else believes
I want to talk to some real life people about it all
I want to share the way I feel and find out how they coped and laugh and joke and cry with them

Ho hum
As I say to the kids:
Rule number one:-You can't have anything you want
Feeling awful today but it's up to me to fight it and find away round it
Just wish the guilt and sorrow and pain would get less a bit quicker

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