Monday January 9th 2006

Monday, January 09, 2006

I was just thinking...
Well, to be more accurate, I was just lying on my bed crying my eyes out (don't you love these hormone filled moments)
I prayed again and again
The boys are home from school and fed and watered (and destressed in the case of son1- probably why I'm so stressed) and we'll soon get into the night time bath battle, so I need to get my act together for the next hurdle.
And I was thinking I don't think I can do this anymore, I'm just so tired
If he's there, why's he hiding?
Why do this?
So he's not there.
QED

Back to work
Back to work this morning
With a bang
But on my way in, I became acutely aware of a difference
My routine was pretty set Before
Got up, did all necessary things then off
And start to pray almost from the word go
The journey in was just over 5 decades long
Every day I would match the mysteries to problems emerging
To clients whose crosses were too heavy for them to bear
To agonies anticipated
And in the matching, would dwell on what I believed, what I knew the Lord could do for me
To help me help them carry their crosses, their agonies
Once parked at work, I'd walk to the unit
Praying still
"Lord Jesus, have mercy"
and ask the Lord to help me carry the difficulties of the day
And with my rosary in my pocket, go on to face them.

This morning I felt in my pocket and my rosary wasn't there

Neither was my Lord here

There I was, all alone, having to face whatever was there
It's a lonely feeling after so many years of walking together
But I shouldn't complain
It is, I understand, my fault
I did not do something right
If I did it right, if I had prayer with an open and loving heart, he would still
be here

I have another explanation, of course
Because I prayed that way
If you could have seen...

It is that he is not there and I am really alone
Why would a good and loving god play hide and seek?
cat and mouse?
And then send you to hell for failing at his elaborate game?

Self pity over, on with the day
Problems to be handled, unexpected events to be examined and discussed
With no one in reserve to call on
No 5 minutes with Jesus, no prayers for guidance
Just me and my knowledge and my quirky ways of working
Alone