Friday January 6th 2006

Friday, January 06, 2006
Saying little prayers
Today is the last day of my week off
Mikey and I went out through the hills to a small town in Mid Wales where there
are hundreds of books for sale
With a large Catholic section in one shop
Son1 hates me going there because I spend so long looking, normally he would
physically remove me from the place
(Literally, there's nothing quite like a determined tall 17 year old with the
mind and intent of one much younger for pushing..)
So nice to go without him- he was in school
On the way up I said some more little prayers, same as yesterday


So I got a couple of books, one a book called "The begining of the Christian
Church" by Hans Lietzmann, a German Professor of Theology who died in 1942
Interesting so far (I'm on Ch 9)
Lots of background stuff, before the DSS and other discoveries but loads of
detailed info on the Jewish situation at the time of Christ and the developement
of the early church

But I still cannot believe and I have no idea how to get back, how to erase my
mind of the things that are in there
And, I have to be honest I'm not sure I want to anymore.
I'm starting to get angry at things and that's not good.
And whatever people say, I cannot believe in a loving god who send people to
hell, I cannot
I have tried to work it so hard, but I think if I stood in front of him and knew
he had a hell there for people, I couldn't love him

There
I've said it
But that's how I feel and think at the moment
I'm so sorry, I cannot love this concept of god anymore
I cannot believe he is worthy to be worshipped
And I'm scared of what I'm saying but if he knows everything, he knows my
thoughts, I couldn't lie to him anyway
And I need to say it
So I have to work out how to live without this god in my life
And what to do for the best for all of us
But I'm still going to Lourdes at Easter and I think hubbie hopes that will help
I'm not so sure but he's refused to let me drop out
And it's midnight and I'm not in the least bit tired and all I want to do is lie
down and wake up and find its all been a dream
So not going to happen...