Taking a step back

Taking a step back and looking at where things are.
I'm swinging wildly again, from inner yearnings for god to exist to sure certainty that he doesn't. Urged by some to call myself Christian, by others to detach myself from all things religious.
All of which is my own fault for being as gobby on the internet about my thoughts and feelings as I am in real life.
So my mood swings are helped sadly, by my suicidal tendency to read and post on said internet forums...
If only I'd stick to my books! I've just read Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son" and I've been dipping into Letters from the Desert by Carlo Carretto and thinking to myself if I'd stayed away from websites and stuck to me books and me prayers, I'd never have been in this mess.
But they seem so empty when I read them now, like fictional accounts of magical tales sent to carry me through a difficult day.
And I grieve still, crying again just now. I WANT IT BACK!!! but it ain't going to come as I want it. You can't have everything you want, as I tell the boys...
But life goes on...

Back in work today, managing to get all done that needed doing, while ignoring my paperwork (tomorrow is another day) and I've just eaten my first proper meal since Tuesday (well half a meal.) The boys are off school tomorrow (strike action) and very much looking forward to a day at Mgu, while M goes to a funeral. And we made over a £1000 from the church collection on Sunday for Lourdes!
Yay!
That's nearly two children paid for...
And I didn't aggravate the ward manager too much today, he let me go without berating me for anything and no one threatened to kill me, so that's always a plus...
End on a happy note!