When I finally lost it, back in December, I can remember the sense of detachment from reality that occured. At least now I have reality back, but what I have not managed is to get rid of this pain I have almost continually inside. I am not looking for sympathy here, I am just musing on it and wondering how to make it go.
In the morning, I wake up with it, as I go to bed at night it is still there. There are times in the day when I am unaware of it, but odd comments or happenings bring it to mind. It is not just an ache, but a physical pain, just under my rib cage and I feel empty.
And I want it to go.
I have tried reading, thinking, not thinking, talking to people, not talking to them, starting topics on faith or participating in them, support threads etc. but it doesn't go.
It hangs on like a leech, sucking the strength out of me and making each day like walking through treacle (but without the sweetness.)
And I want it to go...
I know if I believed again it would go, but I can't get it back, I have tried. And I have decided to live as if though the jesus that I knew and loved was real, but still the pain does not go.
I can't carry on like this for much longer, that I know. But all the wonderful support I have had has not helped, so maybe I just have to accept this is how it will be.
I am not going to allow myself to be broken.
However much it hurts, I have two boys who need me and I cannot wallow around in front of them.
I don't do that and I won't do that.
So excuse my little wallow here.
I've had a hard week in work and I'm feeling crushed
I'll be better in a couple of days when I've got some energy back
If only this pain would go...