There's something very horrible about being human
(Sorry, in one of those moods...if you are feeling low please stop reading NOW.)
/self pity mode on
My mood is swinging all over the place, up one minute, racing thoughts, not able to sleep, and down the next, but anxious all the time. I've been crying now again this evening and the anxiety and fear are gradually escalating. It was my own fault, having looked at ga, I got into a hell thread and just produced the usual reaction from myself. In addition, work for the next few days continues to be truly awful, and a major problem of earth shatteringly High Court in London proportions is rearing its ugly head and it seems unsolvable. I'm writing several reports simultaneously and the care co-ordinator for the difficult case goes on annual leave for two weeks, leaving me to produce all the documentation required.
So self pity rules tonight and I just wept all over M, who told me not to worry, I would go to heaven...
Though as I pointed out, that wasn't the issue, if I don't believe in an afterlife, heaven and hell are immaterial.
But in the past when this happened, when I felt out of control, I turned to god
I have no one to turn to now but me and I am woefully not up to the task...
So I'm going to let myself have a cry in the hope that I will get it all out my system.
What annoys me so much is I know exactly what is happening, all the physiological and biochemical and cognitive processes that are doing this and doyouthink I can stop them?
No!
I hate being human....
/self pity mood off
Back to reality....
Pull yourself together woman- there are many far worse off than you- just be thankful for what you've got.
Just be kind and human to those around you and do your best, no one can ask for more.
You cannot solve all the problems of the world or even your charges, just do what can be done, that's all you can do, in kindness and respect.
And keep a sense of humour about it all, or you will go mad.. (or madder than you already are.)
Maybe you are just a brain in a jar, in which case, why worry??!?
Go to bed early and curl up with a cat and a book and listen to some soft music.
And put aside tomorrow till it comes.
1 comment:
Cat,
Don't worry about "pitying yourself" or anything like that. I think we all need to vent about our frustrations sometimes. You got all emotional? No big deal. I sob much of the time these days. People do cry at times. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You say you have no one to turn to. That's not true. You've got me, and although I am young enough to be your daughter, you and I both share a common, painful experience despite an age difference: the loss of a treasured faith. I can empathize with that to a great extent- even though I'm still a theist. And loss *does* hurt. Feel like crying about it? Go right ahead! You need to release your emotions. It's not healthy to keep feelings bottled up.
You *will* get better. Things will not always be this difficult.
Many hugs to you,
Rosa
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