Sunday, March 05, 2006


Remembering those days when I believed...
Remembering praying- turning to someone greater than I and throwing myself on Him
Throwing my horrors and sadness and woes into Him, knowing he would take them and give them back to me as strength
Shutting my eyes and drawing wisdom from something so much greater than me
So in times when I knew I was not wise enough or clever enough or strong enough to face what was going on, He was there to hold me up and walk with me and lead me through.
Seeing a sunset and wondering at His power and cleverness
Seeing someone love and thanking Him for sending them
Feeling Him inside, talking to me, listening to me.
Telling Him things I could tell no one else
And wanting to share Him, the joy and happiness he brought to me, with others.

So don't dare to say I knew Him not, because I knew then just as much as you know now.
It's just that He's disappeared and I can't see Him anymore.
If He was there, He wouldn't hide. Not the God I knew.
I was just deluding myself.
And don't dare to say I didn't seek or didn't open my heart, because I did and I do.
It's just that there is no one there to open it to.

I want to believe but there is no one there to help my unbelief.
Sorry, so sorry.


faerieeva said...

Dear Cat,
sorry I haven't been here a while. Busy is not just a word anymore here. *sighs* I can't say I agree with you when you say there is no God, because I see Him clear as day. But... I don't need to argue with you over whose eyes are the clearest. I just need to be here and hold your hand. I'm sorry for the difficult days. I'm sorry for the sheer exhaustion I feel in your posts. *gives you a hug* I'm here.

Cat said...

Oh eva, you have more than enough to do without worrying about posting here! I have such admiration for you as a teacher and human being. I post for my own selfish "shallow" reasons and it helps me to see the words and read them back a few days later.
I want to see god, I really do, I yearn to have the days back when I saw him clear as day, but it doesn't come and I have to make the most of it. I just don't understand how if he's there, he's hiding.
Must be because i'm so shallow! (sorry, got accused of that lately and it really hurts, even if it was a joke, or not even said, my mind which is racing at the moment just keeps coming back to it and how shallow and empty I actually am.)
*hugs* for you and Bill and I hope the wedding plans are going well

faerieeva said...

*hugs you* You're not shallow. I don't pretend to understand Him, Cat. I leave that to apologists and Theologians. I was never good at that. But... I like being here. I like being your friend. I like holding your hand and perhaps... make you smile a bit when you read back through your posts and find my comments. Wether you see Him or not... you can see me at least. And you have an open heart towards me.

BTW... you are NOT shallow. If you were shallow, this wouldn't hurt you so much.

aaron said...

life is a long journary, time will tell a story that none of knew was being written :hug: