Monday, January 07, 2008


Have you ever felt incredibly angry with someone and not be able to do anything with it?
Not be able to phone a friend and say "I really need to let this all out?"
I have
And I am
And there is no one to tell, to confide in, to help lift this
This is something I must do alone
And as a result of all this, something that was there as a little light to help me move on has gone
Diminshed, extinguished even.
Inside me the light has gone too
I am heavy, my soul drags along the floor as I walk step by step.
Tonight, for the first time in a long, long time, I looked at death and thought- yes, it would be better than this.
But I have to keep going.
For the boys
For Him
And it just makes the anger worse.
If I could just give up, had the choice to do that even, it would be better.
But no choices, onwards I stomp.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.


Anonymous said...

You are strong Cath...more than you realize. You are loved more than you realize. And you have the intelligence and love to see the absurdity in everyday things. Love, Gerard

Cat said...

Thanks Gerard. Just low at the moment, trying to distract and use the manic defence but everytime i stop, it just hits me. Think its all to do with son1 and college mainly....
Sorry for being so whiney...
Cath xxx