Thursday, April 26, 2007

Still haven't found what I'm looking for....

When I was pregnant with Son2, all of 16 years ago, I belonged to an ecumenical gospel choir ("Sing it Sister!") and used to bolt out soulful ditties. We made tapes of the things we were learning, and at the end of one of the tapes, someone stuck this version of the U2 classic.
I loved it. Played it loud whenever I could, especially lying in the bath, on high volume, hands on my naked pregnant belly, feeling "Toby" (as he was called then) kick and leap about as I sung. And after rehearsals, he couldn't keep still, very excited by it all.
As cassette tapes do, it finally broke and whenever I heard the song from then on, I would think of this wonderful vibrant version, with the passion and intensity of the faith of the choir I was singing with echoing through the years.
Scroll forward many years to a Saturday night, sipping red wine and mixing the red drops at the bottom with the tears that were falling over something too sensitive to mention. Words had hit home, I had just seen Den and was so aware that in facing her passing, I was to do it without the faith and belief that once held me so strongly. And that in my exploring in the here and now, I still hadn't found what I was looking for....
And in more hope than belief, I entered it into youtube, and to my utter amazement, found it there.
The words still speak...

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains,
Carried the cross of my shame,
Of my shame
You know I believed it.....
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.....



And as on an uber website far away, those who once denied the truth turn back to the light, I seem to head further and further into the darkness. This dust here is mere dust, once more all is straw.
And talking to Den's mother I used the old familiar words, not wanting to wound her in her darkest hour, comforting her with the faith I still know but do not believe.
And on a day out, back to the Glastonbury where I sat and contemplated as my faith slipped out of my hands, I headed further into the darkness of Da Vinci's cavern.
I still haven't found what I'm looking for....
....but the search goes on.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cat, please don't cry. I believe there is great wisdom in admitting that we do not know the truths about our universe and even our being.

Religion is not the answer - we agree on that. But you don't need to grieve the loss of your faith. You are a clever, wise, intelligent, wonderful lady.

I don't know why you find it so hard to let go. Maybe because in the past you used your faith as a crutch to keep you walking, a lifesaver to keep you afloat?

But you are no less without it. Faith is based on belief without proof. It is essentially a forced belief in something which you know cannot be proven.

But that's not the point. You're a wonderful person Cat. There are so few people on the planet with your strength and your love. Even fewer with your insight.

Please don't be sad. You deserve better. I wish I could give you an answer... I really do...

Cat said...

Thank you for your comment, which helps. I fully admit to having used religion, my faith as a crutch to keep me going through the difficulties that I have faced in lifes and part of my current quandry is around working out what to do when issues come up that in the past I turned to my god, my prayers, my beliefs, my books to solve.
But straying into this dark cavern, where I don't know what I may find next, what I may encounter, has brought me insight into many things about myself and the world and into contact with some incredible people too. As I said, the search goes on, but I think I'm close to acknowledging it less as a search for answers and more as just an exploration of this fascinating world in which we find ourselves. So don't worry too much around not providing answers, perhaps the real answer is...there isn't one there. Life, as Denise showed us, is to be lived, and that is that...

Anonymous said...

So don't worry too much around not providing answers, perhaps the real answer is...there isn't one there. Life, as Denise showed us, is to be lived, and that is that...

I think you're right.

Stephanie said...

love you cat *hugs*