Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Missing the road

I think a couple of things though that I have recently acknowledged have really helped me, which are too personal to go into here...yet...
But it is the decision to leave CF for a while (Christian Forums), which you'll have to forgive me for saying, is a very toxic place for people with doubts, that is probably my biggest step of divesting myself of things that wound.
It is a too dogmatic place to be, too certain for people grappling with uncertainty.
People wrestling uncertainy need understanding of that first and foremost.
They need to learn that uncertainty is a part of life to be grasped and celebrated, to seek truth, which may not be the truth they think it is and the answer they are expecting.
As Sidney Carter said of seeking his Jesus who was surrounded by a question mark, "You ask for dead certainties; all we offer is living possibilities"
But CF does not offer those living possibilities as an option, it allows, in its rules and structure, a board when members are encouraged to point towards the dead certainties and rebuke those who seek anything else and I think it is that in many cases that has killed many a seeker's faith dead.
Because people who seek may not be able to answer definitively if asked where they are, on which side of the road they belong, when often they're not even sure what road they are looking at.
Making them focus on the state of what they believe and what they doubt in the name of purity stifles their exploration even further, it makes them define things prematurely before they are refined and from CF's perspective, drives it further from where it is aiming.
And I think that was what happened to me. I do not blame anyone but myself, at any stage I could have switched off the computer and stopped the thoughts that the relentless probing of where I stood produced. It is probably, in the long term, good that I didn't, where I am now is more honest and open though terrifying, than I have ever been.
But I can't see a road at all now to walk on, just the landscape ahead. I miss the road like crazy, it was so good to know where I was going, but the trees and fields and distant mountains look inviting enough to explore them without that certainty that I once had.
And to explore without CF for a bit...
..and without the god I no longer believe in.

5 comments:

Rosa_Mystica said...

CF can certainly be addictive. I think you'll miss it less and less with time.

And yes, it is *definitely* a "toxic" forum. As are many religious/anti-religious boards. If you disagree with the majority of the posters, you get chewed out by them. :(

That being said, it sucks not having you there anymore. :( But it's better that you look out for your own best interests.

*Hugs*,
Rosa

Cat said...

I agree with the religious/anti-religious thing- or I guess any MB which has a strong leaning. Dissent is not tolerated in lots of areas. I miss you too, Rosa and maybe, when I've "toughened up" a bit, I'll come back so I can just chill and hang out without letting it affect me so much. But I think those in control have to know the CF approach is harmful to some, even though it may help many others...

AA said...

:hugs: all around :)

Silent Traveler said...

Miss you, I'm hardly on anymore as I'm not allowed to post at work. But being it a dead floor this week, I took a small liberty and found a friend MIA. I don't blame you for stepping away, and in fact I would have supported it whole heartedly.

Truth be told, I don't venture anywhere outside of the RPG, and the Pub - it's not worth my time to try and set people straight who are causing others to stumble. There is just simply too many who ignore the love thy neighbor and try to follow the mantra of converting all to their doctrine or dogma. Even I am disgusted by my own "faith bretheren" when I do venture outside of my circles.

I hope you were able to get my info from Laura. Maybe I'll catch you online sometime soon. :-)

Much love ~ST~

Cat said...

Hey Gen!
*hugs*
The one thing I miss is the friendship and laughter of the pub, but I am no good at keeping my eyes fixed on just the pub...
lol
I tend to wander...
I've emailed you, feel free to add me to your msn if you have one.
Take care,
Cat