Saturday, September 16, 2006

Pity Party

It started because I decided to look back at last years blog to see what I was up to...
And read this... (post 255, 16th Sept 2005)
Funny, the tune was going through my head again.
And I read on, through the months that followed and suddenly saw how far away I was.
And thought of this time last year- of having a "Happy Birthday" thread in OBOB and being part of something that now I am so far from.

Martyrdom by pinpricks
Can't remember where I read that
Rumer Godden?
But pinpricks, continual, persistent, can be painful and hard to
How difficult to hold back the words, the retorts, the anger!
Leave me alone!
I just want to be alone and live my own life, my way.
But he looks on, smiling at my weaknesses
Look through the forest, work your way through the maze, ignore the
pinpricks, the dross, the padding and go to the heart of the matter.
That God is love.
Active, real love.
The love of God will defeat the pinpricks, the dross, the
It will pull the mighty from their thrones and raise the lowly.
It will fill the starving, send the rich away empty.
If love is not there, He is not either.

Where did that go?
Why did it go?
And a forum without a birthday thread reminds me I am a branch cut from the vine that has withered and died inside...

If I could turn back time and become just 21 again....

So this is my little pity party
Mourning the loss of my faith
Because it is a loss
It was a positive thing for me
It helped me and made me grow

Well, there may have been negative bits too, but tonight all I can see is loss and I'm weeping.
Boy I hate these hormones...
I want God back.


stephanie said...

*HUGS* happy belated birthday, cat. you are loved! <3

probably not what you want to hear, and of course, not my normal comments to you, but God is ready and waiting with open arms for you when you're ready to come back.
instead of looking back and seeing regrets, see now look forward... where you can go from here. looking back could only cause more pain. *hugs* my thoughts and prayers are always with you, and of course the excessive hugs... i think aaron rubbed off on me...

ps... check out obob. ;)

Cat said...

Thanks Steph...
I wish I could believe. I've said it before, it's like I've become colour blind and however hard I try to see in colour, I can still only see in shades of grey...
But thanks for the thread. I wasn't asking for it, it was just something that woke a train of thought in me.

stephanie said...

maybe that's half the problem, you may be trying too hard. accept the present and live that way... Rome wasn't built in a day. :)

*more hugs*

a said...

;hug; /me ties a rope to cat so she can't get to far away from her friends ;hug: :0

Rosa_Mystica said...

Hi Cat,

I only wish that I'd come across this post sooner. I'm really sorry that you're hurting again. I've noticed for myself that it's hardest being a new deconvert around holidays and other celebratory occasions. Quite possibly b/c of the influence of religious family or what not.

Try not to worry too much, sweetie. I agree with the others that it takes time to figure things out. You will reach a solid conclusion in time.


ukok said...

So sorry to be offering you belated birthday greetings my dear Cat. But ....HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!

Cat,you have been such a valuable cyber friend to me over the years and I've come to appreciate you for your warmheartedness, integrity and inoffensive nature. You truly have been an inspiration to you stop being an inspiration because you are struggling at the moment? No.

I believe that you will believe again, but that even in your longing and searching, you are reaching ever heavenward perhaps without even realising it. I believe that though you may not feel the comfort of the Father's embrace, He is holding you tenderly through all of this.

Poetic words don't mean much when the going get's tough, I know, I've been there. But with hindsight, I can look back over my life and even at my most despairing times, I know I could not have existed but for the grace of God.

Always with fond affection


Cat said...

Thank you people...
6 weeks of arthritis was getting me down a bit but it is finally starting to ease. I hope I'll be a bit more rational next time I write!
*hugs* to all and Deb, miss you so much on CF!

Mathaytace_Christou said...

I know it sounds cheap.

But take Him Back.