Saturday, May 20, 2006

Hurting...

I like to stand back sometimes and be an outside observer on the innermost turmoil that rushes round inside.
And I'm trying to do this now, hence the post.
I'm hurting, hurting so badly at this moment.
Tears are falling and it's all incredibly stupid and pathetic and juvenile.
But sometimes the trivial things in life awake paths that travel deep inside, to hidden areas, where only I can go and where only I see.
Things I cannot and will not share with anyone.
Memories from the past echo into the present and taunt and torture.
But I take a step back and look from a distance and realise I must allow myself to hurt.
Like a boil once more, it grows and then it bursts.
And in that painful eruption, the poison comes out and the hurt goes away.

And after the storm, the eruption, the shedding of the poison, the quiet and the peace returns.

To be part of a group is a wonderful thing, to feel a member, to belong
But I cannot be that any longer, I have to face the fact that it has gone.
And stand here alone on my own two feet...

And face reality, not a virtual world of intrigue and conspiracies
and veiled insults and contempt

So let the hurt grow and burst and let the poison out
Then let the goodness in to take its place
See and feel the goodness that is there
That is reality
Even in a virtual world

Then you can face the future, bloodied but unbowed....



The life that I have is all that I have,
The life that I have is yours.
The love that I have of the life that I have,
Is yours and yours and yours.
A sleep I shall have,
A rest I shall have,
Yet death will be but a pause,
For the peace of my years in the long green grass,
Will be yours and yours and yours.

6 comments:

stephanie said...

Sadly, there isn't much I can really say to you, and there really isn't anything that can make you feel better. :( passing along some virtual hugs though...

aaron said...

/me hugs cat so she can't get away ;)

Cat said...

Thanks..
But I think I need to hurt and accept that what I had is gone. It's a mistake, I think, to pretend all the time that I am still part of Christianity, when I'm not. I wish things were different..I guess yesterday, with everyone becoming mods, realising that I was different, on the outside loooking in, just made me acutely sad. One of the things I've started to do is not fight my feelings, but allow them to happen and go with them, because they go as quickly as they arrive...
*hugs* for you both..
Cat

faerieeva said...

*gives you a hug*

aaron said...

/me keeps hugging cat any ways :)

Rosa_Mystica said...

Cat,

I know how it feels. Really. When something you treasure is a part of your life for so long, it is nothing less than devastating to lose it. Trust me- I know.

You don't know what your future will bring. No one on earth does. How do you know that you will not gain security in another belief system? Or in your current one? Or even in your former one? The thing is, no one can say how they'll feel a few years down the line (or even a few months down the line).

It's going to be okay, sweetheart. Really. Sometimes solutions are not apparent to us right away. But eventually, things look clearer, and we're able to figure out what to do to make things better.

*Hugs*,
Rosa