Birthday beckons

Tomorrow is my birthday and I shall celebrate it- strange word for the way it makes me feel- in the bosum of my family. Not friends though, as son2 cruelly likes to point out to me, I don't have many of them. Well, I do, but none of them celebrate my birthday with me as I have studiously avoided that over the years. So much so, they all forget until 2 weeks later....
Anyways, I am one year on from this and today feeling no better. It is odd how anniversaries bring out the sorrowful in me. Maybe as I look back over the 48 years (not that I can remember all of them) and think of how many of them started with a prayer, or thoughts of the Lord. Now they start with nothingness, just thoughts of me and how terribly low I have sunk. Like my bread crumbs...
Which, incidentally, stood for my tetchiness, my bitchiness, my naughtiness and my wounding of self.
The latter of which I am doing now, by pondering all the negative and pushing anything positive firmly out my mind. And the first I did earlier, as I got up and realised I would have to tidy my bedroom as hubbie's mother will be sleeping in it tonight and will no doubt make some comment about how unkempt it all is even after I tidy it. (That's the bitchiness done...)
Now all I have to do is be naughty....


I digress....
I am just filled with a overwhelming sorrow this morning. If I stop to think, I just cry, if I listen to music, similar. But grief is unstoppable, everlasting, this I know, and it also eases if it is allowed to act, so I shall have my half hour of tears and hopefully be ready to dry my eyes, put on my false face and smile as the postman brings no cards but bills and magazines for me to read and inwardly digest so I can continue in the job I hate....

Uh oh....
Self pity mode
I shall give my self a kick in ten minutes and get on with it.
Should have thrown that in the pond too.....
Happy Birthday for tomorrow to me, may the next year be a less sorrowful one again.