At the moment is to be better. My tummy problems have been round for several months now and any attempt to consume a standard meal results in great groaning and complaining from the bowels of my bowels....
And I now keep a bookcase in the loo to keep me entertained.
My dear docs have been less than useful in all this, deciding first it was an infection, then looking at me as it was all in my mind....
But my weight has steadily decreased (2 stone now) and I am weak and having to reduce my BP medication....
I just want to be normal again! As my people say to me...........
Anyway, a new appt in a week, hopefully will have some progress to report then.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I'm OK, you're OK- and don't you forget it!
From Counselling for Toads by Robert de Board (great book)
"Being OK and believing that other are, requires behavious and attitudes which continually demonstrate this, both to yourself and others. And it certainly is not a shelter from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
"I see" said Toad. "You mean to say that to say "I'm OK, you're OK" is really an act of faith?"
"Yes I do." answered Heron. "It is very near to being the Humanist's credo, a belief in oneself and others that does not require a belief in a god or the supernatural."
"You make it sound very solemn" said Toad.
"If by "solemn" you mean full of importance" said Heron "I don't disagree."
Neither do I.
I'm OK, you're OK.
And don't you forget it.
Cat xxx
"Being OK and believing that other are, requires behavious and attitudes which continually demonstrate this, both to yourself and others. And it certainly is not a shelter from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
"I see" said Toad. "You mean to say that to say "I'm OK, you're OK" is really an act of faith?"
"Yes I do." answered Heron. "It is very near to being the Humanist's credo, a belief in oneself and others that does not require a belief in a god or the supernatural."
"You make it sound very solemn" said Toad.
"If by "solemn" you mean full of importance" said Heron "I don't disagree."
Neither do I.
I'm OK, you're OK.
And don't you forget it.
Cat xxx
Fingers and thumbs....
So there I was, lying on the floor of the cavern, thinking, drinking in the scent of those leaves that were dying to become mulch for next year's growth. Thinking of those fingers and thumbs, the first set, that had proded clumsily where they were not wanted, then those second fingers, that had expertly picked the scabs from the healing wounds, leaving them raw, painful, exposed again, before leaving laughing and joking, not seeing me as I lay crying, from more than just this.
But as I lay there, thinking, grieving, breathing, crying, laughing, living; they healed again. Leaving no scab to be picked, just the scar to betray the pain once suffered.
And I pulled myself to my feet and ventured off into unknown parts again; enjoying the thrill of exploration alone in the dark, treachorous cave. And then came another set of fingers and thumbs, another guide and fellow traveller touching me softly in the dark, weaving a story of life and love and strangers together in a hilarious blanket of comfort and fun.
Had I learnt to be cautious? To judge with eyes of suspicion and mistrust?
No.
I will trust till given cause not to.
And dance and weave with my companion until it is time for us to part...
But as I lay there, thinking, grieving, breathing, crying, laughing, living; they healed again. Leaving no scab to be picked, just the scar to betray the pain once suffered.
And I pulled myself to my feet and ventured off into unknown parts again; enjoying the thrill of exploration alone in the dark, treachorous cave. And then came another set of fingers and thumbs, another guide and fellow traveller touching me softly in the dark, weaving a story of life and love and strangers together in a hilarious blanket of comfort and fun.
Had I learnt to be cautious? To judge with eyes of suspicion and mistrust?
No.
I will trust till given cause not to.
And dance and weave with my companion until it is time for us to part...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Dreaming
Dreaming
Some days all I want to do when I get home is have a hot bath, full of delightful smelling substances and wrap myself in my silly fluffy dressing gown and lie on my bed and give myself up to dreaming. Not nightmarish dreams, like sometimes the days I face become, but satisfying, scintillating dreams.
Of lying on a beach with the sound of waves crashing onto rocks, birds flying, soaring freely, peacefully.
Where death is not a daily enemy to be fought and defeated, or a friend to be grasped lovingly, but part of nature that comes when it will.
But my dreams don't come.
Thoughts crowd in and take their place, of the daily toil to help those who can no longer help themselves.
It tires me, drains me.
And as, once again, the last battle for another is lost, I sit and think and wish I could dream myself away, not forever, but just to a temporary rest, a safe haven, a cove of contentment and calm.
And that when I came back, some of these battles would be won.
Sleep sweetly.
Some days all I want to do when I get home is have a hot bath, full of delightful smelling substances and wrap myself in my silly fluffy dressing gown and lie on my bed and give myself up to dreaming. Not nightmarish dreams, like sometimes the days I face become, but satisfying, scintillating dreams.
Of lying on a beach with the sound of waves crashing onto rocks, birds flying, soaring freely, peacefully.
Where death is not a daily enemy to be fought and defeated, or a friend to be grasped lovingly, but part of nature that comes when it will.
But my dreams don't come.
Thoughts crowd in and take their place, of the daily toil to help those who can no longer help themselves.
It tires me, drains me.
And as, once again, the last battle for another is lost, I sit and think and wish I could dream myself away, not forever, but just to a temporary rest, a safe haven, a cove of contentment and calm.
And that when I came back, some of these battles would be won.
Sleep sweetly.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Moving On...
I was sitting in a pub last night with someone talking .Those who know me would tell you how uncommon the former is- son2's cry of "you have no friends springs to mind. The latter, however is common, as Groucho once said of someone else, I must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. And as it happens, we talked about things that had a major influence on us and the subject of my loss of faith came up.
There are few people in real life, (although I must write about my use of that word sometime) who I talk to on that subject, other than hubbie. One of my most painful experiences, for me to share it face to face takes effort and trust, to delve into it in the exposed air of a pub lounge, teens nearby chatting each other up, brings me close to the tears that are held back so precariously.
And we talked and I shared, risking that he would not abuse this knowledge of my vulnerability, my devastating loss.
And he asked "Are you proud of what you did?"
Not something I have thought before.
Am I proud that I turned upside down my life, my family, my relationships, when so easily I could have carried on pretending? After all, if I had not been so open, so declarative, who would have known? I could have gone every week to church, mouthing the words, singing the hymns with a pious look on my face, eating what I felt was an ordinary mass produced wafer, returning and kneeling, hands held together, eyes shut.
People would have continued to see me, Cath, the guitar playing, scatty working mother, who leads the congregation in singing words that inspire and teaches little children the wonders of the faith. And every week the priest would have said, "Body of Christ" and I could have said "Amen"- Yes, I agree, it is, I believe.
So was it selfish to say, "No, I don't agree, I don't believe, cannot believe" and walk away?
Or the only thing I could do?
I think the latter and therefore am not proud, there was no choice, not then. Where the choice was, well, back in September 2005, when I decided to put it all to the test, to research on my own, and trust that whatever came out, I would accept.
Because I think, deep down, then, I knew what the outcome would be. Something inside me told me none of it would hold up to serious scrutiny. It was in September really, that I knew and I chose and I chose to let it go.
Should I be proud of that?
Unsure.
But perhaps thinking on this has made it clear to me that yes, this loss of faith was the result of a conscious choice, the choice to question and to allow myself to move on.
Something I shall keep on trying to do, to question, to consider, to not accept things on face value but to burrow underneath, and tease out what is true, what is right, for me, and for those around me.
Moving on......ever keep moving on, ever keep questioning and testing, but ever keep loving and living.
Have a good week.
There are few people in real life, (although I must write about my use of that word sometime) who I talk to on that subject, other than hubbie. One of my most painful experiences, for me to share it face to face takes effort and trust, to delve into it in the exposed air of a pub lounge, teens nearby chatting each other up, brings me close to the tears that are held back so precariously.
And we talked and I shared, risking that he would not abuse this knowledge of my vulnerability, my devastating loss.
And he asked "Are you proud of what you did?"
Not something I have thought before.
Am I proud that I turned upside down my life, my family, my relationships, when so easily I could have carried on pretending? After all, if I had not been so open, so declarative, who would have known? I could have gone every week to church, mouthing the words, singing the hymns with a pious look on my face, eating what I felt was an ordinary mass produced wafer, returning and kneeling, hands held together, eyes shut.
People would have continued to see me, Cath, the guitar playing, scatty working mother, who leads the congregation in singing words that inspire and teaches little children the wonders of the faith. And every week the priest would have said, "Body of Christ" and I could have said "Amen"- Yes, I agree, it is, I believe.
So was it selfish to say, "No, I don't agree, I don't believe, cannot believe" and walk away?
Or the only thing I could do?
I think the latter and therefore am not proud, there was no choice, not then. Where the choice was, well, back in September 2005, when I decided to put it all to the test, to research on my own, and trust that whatever came out, I would accept.
Because I think, deep down, then, I knew what the outcome would be. Something inside me told me none of it would hold up to serious scrutiny. It was in September really, that I knew and I chose and I chose to let it go.
Should I be proud of that?
Unsure.
But perhaps thinking on this has made it clear to me that yes, this loss of faith was the result of a conscious choice, the choice to question and to allow myself to move on.
Something I shall keep on trying to do, to question, to consider, to not accept things on face value but to burrow underneath, and tease out what is true, what is right, for me, and for those around me.
Moving on......ever keep moving on, ever keep questioning and testing, but ever keep loving and living.
Have a good week.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
How
How do I deal with this anger?
I am sitting here now, seething, burning, so tense, so tied up in knots inside
Alternatively crying and sitting swearing at the person, the situation
At the thoughtlessness, selfishness and supreme arrogance that is displayed
How can I rid myself of the tainted stain when I thought I had washed it out?
Interesting
I do not have completion, closure
I have unanswered questions, the whys, wheres, hows and whats
And that leaves me with uncertainty- something that I hate
I think I need to lie on the floor with the leaves turning into mulch again
Smell that sweet scent of change
From one form to another
That has ended, this is begun
Say goodbye and realise that could never be, never come true
You are but a fool, a failure, accept it, move on
Then, maybe, that anger will go.
Sleep sweetly....
I am sitting here now, seething, burning, so tense, so tied up in knots inside
Alternatively crying and sitting swearing at the person, the situation
At the thoughtlessness, selfishness and supreme arrogance that is displayed
How can I rid myself of the tainted stain when I thought I had washed it out?
Interesting
I do not have completion, closure
I have unanswered questions, the whys, wheres, hows and whats
And that leaves me with uncertainty- something that I hate
I think I need to lie on the floor with the leaves turning into mulch again
Smell that sweet scent of change
From one form to another
That has ended, this is begun
Say goodbye and realise that could never be, never come true
You are but a fool, a failure, accept it, move on
Then, maybe, that anger will go.
Sleep sweetly....
Monday, January 07, 2008
Angry
Have you ever felt incredibly angry with someone and not be able to do anything with it?
Not be able to phone a friend and say "I really need to let this all out?"
I have
And I am
And there is no one to tell, to confide in, to help lift this
This is something I must do alone
And as a result of all this, something that was there as a little light to help me move on has gone
Diminshed, extinguished even.
Inside me the light has gone too
I am heavy, my soul drags along the floor as I walk step by step.
Tonight, for the first time in a long, long time, I looked at death and thought- yes, it would be better than this.
But I have to keep going.
For the boys
For Him
And it just makes the anger worse.
If I could just give up, had the choice to do that even, it would be better.
But no choices, onwards I stomp.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
Not be able to phone a friend and say "I really need to let this all out?"
I have
And I am
And there is no one to tell, to confide in, to help lift this
This is something I must do alone
And as a result of all this, something that was there as a little light to help me move on has gone
Diminshed, extinguished even.
Inside me the light has gone too
I am heavy, my soul drags along the floor as I walk step by step.
Tonight, for the first time in a long, long time, I looked at death and thought- yes, it would be better than this.
But I have to keep going.
For the boys
For Him
And it just makes the anger worse.
If I could just give up, had the choice to do that even, it would be better.
But no choices, onwards I stomp.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Leeds again
Back to Leeds with son2 for another exhausting couple of days spent killing time as he and his girlfriend had fun together. Well, I did a lot of nice window shopping and some real shopping too, having a wonderful time looking for bargains in Harvy Nicholls (none) and the market (loads.) It snowed on the way up but was otherwise ok weather wise and I didn't do anything too foolish. Much.
I did get to thinking about my life now and for a time was filled with repugnance and self hatred that I haven't had for a while. I even had a full blown panic attack on my own on the Thursday night, but managed to contain it and bring my mind back to a more forgiving accepting position, where I acknowledged that I had made a (many, good few, multiple) boob(s) but that, surprise, surprise, I am not perfect and I am newly into life without a big book of rules to guide me. The freedom of living without it and having to find self regulation can go to my head sometimes and balance takes a while to achieve.
Anyway, as I once more head off to probably make a few more boobs and cock ups, if I can just try and remember that I am not perfect and stop beating myself up so thoroughly when I fail, maybe then I might like myself a bit better.
And tomorrow is another day off and will be full of sorting out son1's college placement. Wish me luck.....
I'm going to need it.
I did get to thinking about my life now and for a time was filled with repugnance and self hatred that I haven't had for a while. I even had a full blown panic attack on my own on the Thursday night, but managed to contain it and bring my mind back to a more forgiving accepting position, where I acknowledged that I had made a (many, good few, multiple) boob(s) but that, surprise, surprise, I am not perfect and I am newly into life without a big book of rules to guide me. The freedom of living without it and having to find self regulation can go to my head sometimes and balance takes a while to achieve.
Anyway, as I once more head off to probably make a few more boobs and cock ups, if I can just try and remember that I am not perfect and stop beating myself up so thoroughly when I fail, maybe then I might like myself a bit better.
And tomorrow is another day off and will be full of sorting out son1's college placement. Wish me luck.....
I'm going to need it.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Untethered and free
So we sat in the cafe, tables surrounding us full of healthy young men who could chat and talk normally and ride bikes without falling off them. And he accepted that he wouldn't be going to the college that he had dreamt of and he accepted that we would find a way though. And we made plans and then walked out into the crisp winter sunshine, ice still on the ground, the trees brown now, no leaf to be seen. But sure as day follows night, spring follows winter, and I am no mere passive recipient of what life delivers. Just as a farmer tends the crop to ensure a full harvest, I can tend my life, my loves. I can plant, I can nuture, I can tend and I can create. And I can still dance in the darkness and be assured I will not die until he has had every drop of help I can squeeze out of me and give to him to live his independent dream. My spirit will live on after I die in those drops I hand onto him and I do not and will not surrender. Ever No matter how bad I feel now or in the future.
That is my creed, that is my promise.
Merry Xmas.
Man gets tired; Spirit don't
Man surrenders; Spirit won't
Man crawls; Spirit flies
Spirit lives when man dies
Man seems; Spirit is
Man dreams; Spirit lives
Man is tethered; Spirit free
What spirit is man can be
That is my creed, that is my promise.
Merry Xmas.
Man gets tired; Spirit don't
Man surrenders; Spirit won't
Man crawls; Spirit flies
Spirit lives when man dies
Man seems; Spirit is
Man dreams; Spirit lives
Man is tethered; Spirit free
What spirit is man can be
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Rejection
Rejection is acutely painful
Especially when the reason why is not known
I want to ask why but am afraid of the answer
So we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again.
Risking again rejection and pain.
But if someone could tell me the answer to why, it might make the hurt go away....
A strange year 2007
Especially when the reason why is not known
I want to ask why but am afraid of the answer
So we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again.
Risking again rejection and pain.
But if someone could tell me the answer to why, it might make the hurt go away....
A strange year 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A crumb
A frantic morning, begun by being locked out of the team base as no one was there to open up, on possibly the coldest morning of the year then a fractious meeting and a rush to get back for the afternoon. A client was running late so more gnashing of teeth. "Where is my crumb?" thought I, wishing there was a Cat around I could kick.
Then it arrived in the shape of a card from the client, hand made beautifully with appreciative words inside. Client thought I could keep it and on difficult days use it to remind myself that it was worthwhile, I did make a difference.
I will do just that.
Much better than finding another Cat I can kick.
Then it arrived in the shape of a card from the client, hand made beautifully with appreciative words inside. Client thought I could keep it and on difficult days use it to remind myself that it was worthwhile, I did make a difference.
I will do just that.
Much better than finding another Cat I can kick.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Low
When I was a Christian and I was feeling low, I used to pray for small crumbs of comfort- that things would happen that would set a light in the darkness for me. Small things, maybe an encouraging letter from someone, a silly thing happening with the kids, some good news...something from the bible, maybe.
Sometimes I would get them, sometimes not. But I used to actually search, seek things that would stir my dismal days and that probably, more than anything else lifted me.
I found myself yearning for those days earlier today. Work is incredibly busy in the run up to Christmas, Son2 is busy failing exams nonchalantly and Son1 isn't getting to sleep before midnight. I can't fix Son2's computer and today I realised I lost a voucher my mother asked me to get her for my brother....amongst other things.
All I want is a small crumb of comfort...something I used to often get out of a psalm or a verse from the gospel. Because I believed the message it gave.
So I am going to search the house and my life till I find that crumb, because otherwise I'll be sitting in a puddle of tears by Christmas and hubbie will be thinking of leaving as he can't cope with the demand for tissues...
Sometimes I would get them, sometimes not. But I used to actually search, seek things that would stir my dismal days and that probably, more than anything else lifted me.
I found myself yearning for those days earlier today. Work is incredibly busy in the run up to Christmas, Son2 is busy failing exams nonchalantly and Son1 isn't getting to sleep before midnight. I can't fix Son2's computer and today I realised I lost a voucher my mother asked me to get her for my brother....amongst other things.
All I want is a small crumb of comfort...something I used to often get out of a psalm or a verse from the gospel. Because I believed the message it gave.
So I am going to search the house and my life till I find that crumb, because otherwise I'll be sitting in a puddle of tears by Christmas and hubbie will be thinking of leaving as he can't cope with the demand for tissues...
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
On the other hand
Yesterday and this morning were moments connected of raw emotion and pain.
The mind could not engage to reduce the seering feelings of loss and regret.
But now the storm has quietened, I have started to think...
On the other hand...
Things now make sense
No more trying to fit square pegs into round holes and pretending they fit
No more needing to believe ten impossible implausible things before breakfast, half of them so bizarre, even the Red Queen would have difficulty
No more needing to accept a version of love that includes eternal damnation
No more needing to divide according to preferences of things put in holes
No more justice that if given out by man would be regarded as evil
No more needing to believe a fantasy that hides despair and doubt, hate and power behind it.
Instead, this is what there is.
Me
My boys
The world
Things bad and good, nice and nasty, sad and happy
To be lived and tolerated and relished and enjoyed
The other hand is an ok way to live and live it I mean to do.
The mind could not engage to reduce the seering feelings of loss and regret.
But now the storm has quietened, I have started to think...
On the other hand...
Things now make sense
No more trying to fit square pegs into round holes and pretending they fit
No more needing to believe ten impossible implausible things before breakfast, half of them so bizarre, even the Red Queen would have difficulty
No more needing to accept a version of love that includes eternal damnation
No more needing to divide according to preferences of things put in holes
No more justice that if given out by man would be regarded as evil
No more needing to believe a fantasy that hides despair and doubt, hate and power behind it.
Instead, this is what there is.
Me
My boys
The world
Things bad and good, nice and nasty, sad and happy
To be lived and tolerated and relished and enjoyed
The other hand is an ok way to live and live it I mean to do.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Loss
Of all the losses I have suffered, the loss of You was the greatest.
For You would stay with me when all else left.
When I lay behind the sofa crying as a child
When I lay in my bed sobbing as an adult
My tears in the ward looking down on the child being damaged
You were there
And as I grieved for the boy lost, the man who was not to be
I took comfort in knowing that one day
With you
He would be free and whole and not suffer anymore
That you would make all well
But then
Two years ago
Driving to work
I lost You
And it hurt
The hole you left I have tried to fill
With music and fun and frolics
Poetry, rhyme and pictures
Pain and pleasure intermixed
But it is unfillable
It stays there, a gaping sore which says
The damage will not be undone
The boy and the man you lost are gone forever
The suffering has no glorious purpose
It just is
Loss hurts
It pains
It strains my whole being
And some say I wanted this pain...
No, never
If I could go back and be part again of the blissful ignorance of before
I would
At least
I would today
Because today
All I can feel
is Loss
For You would stay with me when all else left.
When I lay behind the sofa crying as a child
When I lay in my bed sobbing as an adult
My tears in the ward looking down on the child being damaged
You were there
And as I grieved for the boy lost, the man who was not to be
I took comfort in knowing that one day
With you
He would be free and whole and not suffer anymore
That you would make all well
But then
Two years ago
Driving to work
I lost You
And it hurt
The hole you left I have tried to fill
With music and fun and frolics
Poetry, rhyme and pictures
Pain and pleasure intermixed
But it is unfillable
It stays there, a gaping sore which says
The damage will not be undone
The boy and the man you lost are gone forever
The suffering has no glorious purpose
It just is
Loss hurts
It pains
It strains my whole being
And some say I wanted this pain...
No, never
If I could go back and be part again of the blissful ignorance of before
I would
At least
I would today
Because today
All I can feel
is Loss
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Finished
106,000 words
Now I can stop writing day in day out and think for a bit....
Son1 had his interview for residential college today.
With so much riding on this everyone had everything crossed that it would go well.
We were however foiled, by manga, as ever.
One potential student there, let's call her "L" was clearly bright, doing A levels, challenging and very rude.
But she knew about manga and the pair chatted away like anything.
So when in the group task she became more challenging and the others started to get at her, he came to her defence initially, but she was hostile to him.
And he retreated into himself, as he does.
Hiding away in his body, when he cannot hide away in space.
And he had "memory pain" of times in the past when this had happened, making him worse.
So he took himself off and they didn't see the wonderful brilliance that is Son1, but the stressed, anxious soul seeking to disappear.
I can only hope they saw enough in the morning to make them realise that he needs this so much and so do we....
:(
And when he got home we chatted and told him how wonderfully well he has done and even if he doesn't get in, we'll do it all here like they do there...
And he smiled and laughed and spent an hour with me setting up the Wii he had for his birthday....him setting it all up and me reading the instructions as we went along. We got there in the end! Like we will in life.....
Now I can stop writing day in day out and think for a bit....
Son1 had his interview for residential college today.
With so much riding on this everyone had everything crossed that it would go well.
We were however foiled, by manga, as ever.
One potential student there, let's call her "L" was clearly bright, doing A levels, challenging and very rude.
But she knew about manga and the pair chatted away like anything.
So when in the group task she became more challenging and the others started to get at her, he came to her defence initially, but she was hostile to him.
And he retreated into himself, as he does.
Hiding away in his body, when he cannot hide away in space.
And he had "memory pain" of times in the past when this had happened, making him worse.
So he took himself off and they didn't see the wonderful brilliance that is Son1, but the stressed, anxious soul seeking to disappear.
I can only hope they saw enough in the morning to make them realise that he needs this so much and so do we....
:(
And when he got home we chatted and told him how wonderfully well he has done and even if he doesn't get in, we'll do it all here like they do there...
And he smiled and laughed and spent an hour with me setting up the Wii he had for his birthday....him setting it all up and me reading the instructions as we went along. We got there in the end! Like we will in life.....
Friday, November 23, 2007
I hate my job
I really do.
So does job share partner.
Today we reached the last straw after another management brilliant idea which would mean once more we did more work for less pay and talked tactics
She didn't favour my plan, which was to enter the pron industry, as she felt two fifty year olds would have a limited life and income in it. She favoured a more Thelma and Louise approach, though I told her driving off the cliff was one thing but I drew the line at wearing headscarves.
So not reaching agreement and running away together being not an option due to the fact that two families were totally dependant on our income, we just dreamt stupidly away. Our departure from work was delayed as the alarm wouldn't go switch off, meaning a door was open and after having been through the building and discovered I wasn't the culprit for once who left a door ajar, we departed under a wonderful moon to our respective homes and families.
I spent the rest of the evening writing nano wise. The little group are due to leave Lourdes soon to travel back to the UK, thankfully, as I did wonder if I was ever going to get them home, what with losing Edgar in the mountains and Sister's vindictive phone calls. I have been surprised by how mellow I have made the story and the religious people (apart from Sister) compared to the way it was planned and can only think that my angst at religion has lessened considerably. Maybe as writing this has tapped on the human side of the faith I left behind, the wonderful people I encountered, who treated other human beings like human beings, with feelings to be considered, instead of as disposable objects to be cast aside when they ceased being useful.
(Note to self, put work and other stuff in box and shut the lid. NOW!)
But those people who went and still go to Lourdes, reflect the side of the faith that I loved, the active, lived side. I still try and live it in my own way, just without the belief being a part. Maybe I haven't changed that much after all.....
Still, with son1's birthday fast upon us and then a rapid descent to Christmas, will hardly have time to think. Better get this book done and dusted quick...
So does job share partner.
Today we reached the last straw after another management brilliant idea which would mean once more we did more work for less pay and talked tactics
She didn't favour my plan, which was to enter the pron industry, as she felt two fifty year olds would have a limited life and income in it. She favoured a more Thelma and Louise approach, though I told her driving off the cliff was one thing but I drew the line at wearing headscarves.
So not reaching agreement and running away together being not an option due to the fact that two families were totally dependant on our income, we just dreamt stupidly away. Our departure from work was delayed as the alarm wouldn't go switch off, meaning a door was open and after having been through the building and discovered I wasn't the culprit for once who left a door ajar, we departed under a wonderful moon to our respective homes and families.
I spent the rest of the evening writing nano wise. The little group are due to leave Lourdes soon to travel back to the UK, thankfully, as I did wonder if I was ever going to get them home, what with losing Edgar in the mountains and Sister's vindictive phone calls. I have been surprised by how mellow I have made the story and the religious people (apart from Sister) compared to the way it was planned and can only think that my angst at religion has lessened considerably. Maybe as writing this has tapped on the human side of the faith I left behind, the wonderful people I encountered, who treated other human beings like human beings, with feelings to be considered, instead of as disposable objects to be cast aside when they ceased being useful.
(Note to self, put work and other stuff in box and shut the lid. NOW!)
But those people who went and still go to Lourdes, reflect the side of the faith that I loved, the active, lived side. I still try and live it in my own way, just without the belief being a part. Maybe I haven't changed that much after all.....
Still, with son1's birthday fast upon us and then a rapid descent to Christmas, will hardly have time to think. Better get this book done and dusted quick...
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Nanowrimo
Hit 50k Sunday evening- day 11. Not bad, although whether the 50k words will ever make sense is another matter. It has once again been productive, entertaining and hugely therapeutic. I have been surprised by just how peaceful writing about Lourdes made me feel, even though I do not believe, the atmosphere that I find there of friendship and humanity uniting through joint suffering managed somehow to permeate through the words I was writing into my fingertips and seep through my body. I am reminded that out there are many who unannounced love and care for others with no song and dance, not everyone exploits, abuses, hates. Sometimes with my work, it is hard to remember that....
It also helped me gain perspective on my recent difficulties. I have now lost over a stone in weight and haven't eaten more than three meals in November, surviving on rolls and fruit, which seem to be about all I can tolerate. Hubbie has given up buying food for me as I just don't eat it and I have had to stop wearing one of my work skirts as it doesn't fit any more! I will try, hard, to eat again, but at the moment even a roll is a bit of an effort. But at least nanowrimo gave me a focus, instead of mooching around feeling sorry for myself, I have been sorry for Maggie and the others, whose lives I have sadly inflicted with great difficulties. But Maggie isn't one to let a little thing like dying stop her living to the end. I just wish, now, having seen her grow, that I could save her, with a misdiagnosis, or a miracle.....
So onward. The story is probably two thirds of the way through and I plan to continue and finish the draft by the end of the month. Then will read it and think.....this is utter rubbish!
But it is my utter rubbish and I had a great time writing it.
It also helped me gain perspective on my recent difficulties. I have now lost over a stone in weight and haven't eaten more than three meals in November, surviving on rolls and fruit, which seem to be about all I can tolerate. Hubbie has given up buying food for me as I just don't eat it and I have had to stop wearing one of my work skirts as it doesn't fit any more! I will try, hard, to eat again, but at the moment even a roll is a bit of an effort. But at least nanowrimo gave me a focus, instead of mooching around feeling sorry for myself, I have been sorry for Maggie and the others, whose lives I have sadly inflicted with great difficulties. But Maggie isn't one to let a little thing like dying stop her living to the end. I just wish, now, having seen her grow, that I could save her, with a misdiagnosis, or a miracle.....
So onward. The story is probably two thirds of the way through and I plan to continue and finish the draft by the end of the month. Then will read it and think.....this is utter rubbish!
But it is my utter rubbish and I had a great time writing it.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Leeds
Spent the weekend in Leeds with son2- he off seeing a friend, me off to town, window shopping, eating olives and drinking green tea with jasmine contemplating the last time I had done such a thing.
And in the evenings we talked. About life and love and relationships, cabbages and kings.
About what do you do when you feel your heart wrenched from you by rejection, loss, separation. Fifteen year olds can be quite insightful, and he could see much that i wouldn't even have grasped at his age.
But then he has Son1 to live with, to learn from, to use as a tool instead of a hinderance in his walk through the jungle that is adolescence.
And my heart aches, which have plagued me since the dreadful loss of all I held dear, are a tool for me too, to colour my words with reality and pain, felt, experienced, still present in some small way. But easier to carry.
And day after tomorrow is November the First which means just one thing.......
NANOWRIMO!
Arggghhhhh!
50,000 words- my aim is to complete by Nov 15th....
That's over 3,000 words per day.
I shall get my finger cream at the ready, my coffee pot filled in anticipation of a story the begining I haven't even started to sketch out in my mind!
It'll keep me off the streets.......and at the computer, where I belong.
So watch out for a small scatty welsh person, who is busy scratching her head and trying to think of ways of stopping her characters take over the plot again. Point her gently in the direction of Wales and tell her to get back to typing, or face the consequences......
And in the evenings we talked. About life and love and relationships, cabbages and kings.
About what do you do when you feel your heart wrenched from you by rejection, loss, separation. Fifteen year olds can be quite insightful, and he could see much that i wouldn't even have grasped at his age.
But then he has Son1 to live with, to learn from, to use as a tool instead of a hinderance in his walk through the jungle that is adolescence.
And my heart aches, which have plagued me since the dreadful loss of all I held dear, are a tool for me too, to colour my words with reality and pain, felt, experienced, still present in some small way. But easier to carry.
And day after tomorrow is November the First which means just one thing.......
NANOWRIMO!
Arggghhhhh!
50,000 words- my aim is to complete by Nov 15th....
That's over 3,000 words per day.
I shall get my finger cream at the ready, my coffee pot filled in anticipation of a story the begining I haven't even started to sketch out in my mind!
It'll keep me off the streets.......and at the computer, where I belong.
So watch out for a small scatty welsh person, who is busy scratching her head and trying to think of ways of stopping her characters take over the plot again. Point her gently in the direction of Wales and tell her to get back to typing, or face the consequences......
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Fallen like leaves
"Don't you come round here and tell me I told you so"
Sarah McLachlan "Fallen"
I have sunk quite low too
Messed up
Not done what a woman of my upbringing and inheritance should have done
Which was to carry on walking the path I should have
Carrying the faith high, full, complete
In my heart, my soul, my mind....
But I lost it
Or I threw it away
No matter which- and I know which one I believe happened
It has gone
And I am now in the cavern of darkness
Fallen so low
With the voices of a million
Laughing in my ears
At my stupidity and foolishness
And still I do not stop!
I carry on crawling around in the cavern
As if soon, somewhere, I will find some light in this darkness
A gem
A hidden secret
Instead of decaying rubbish
But suddenly I realise
I have not fallen
I had lowered myself down
Lowered myself to the floor
And this decaying rubbish
That I feel with my hands?
No! Beautiful fallen leaves
of multicoloured shades
They whisper to me
Trying to make me hear
Words that I need
"We need to be here" they say
"And you do too
The summer does not last forever
Neither does the winter
It cycles round
We are part of that cycle
Of birth and growth and death
And we finish in a flourish
Of flame coloured skies
Horizons filled with our glory
Before we descend to the floor
and cover it with a carpet of fire
for children to run through
Screaming and kicking
Seeming to abuse us,
but no
no abuse
they are growing too
as they need to
as he did too
You will grow
You are the indestructable Cat
who will not fail
despite being shaken
despite the tears
that have dried on their own
You will not break
You will see this dance through to the end
Because it is what you will do
What you want to do
We cannot hold to the tree
When our time comes to fall
We let ourselves down
Like you did
And lie here
Like you have
But now it is time for you to rise
To get up
and go
On with your dance
of exploration
and run through us first!
Kicking and laughing
Make us fly with the joy of your dance
And go in peace and contentment
For you will not be broken
And there is much more to find
Much more to live for......
Sarah McLachlan "Fallen"
I have sunk quite low too
Messed up
Not done what a woman of my upbringing and inheritance should have done
Which was to carry on walking the path I should have
Carrying the faith high, full, complete
In my heart, my soul, my mind....
But I lost it
Or I threw it away
No matter which- and I know which one I believe happened
It has gone
And I am now in the cavern of darkness
Fallen so low
With the voices of a million
Laughing in my ears
At my stupidity and foolishness
And still I do not stop!
I carry on crawling around in the cavern
As if soon, somewhere, I will find some light in this darkness
A gem
A hidden secret
Instead of decaying rubbish
But suddenly I realise
I have not fallen
I had lowered myself down
Lowered myself to the floor
And this decaying rubbish
That I feel with my hands?
No! Beautiful fallen leaves
of multicoloured shades
They whisper to me
Trying to make me hear
Words that I need
"We need to be here" they say
"And you do too
The summer does not last forever
Neither does the winter
It cycles round
We are part of that cycle
Of birth and growth and death
And we finish in a flourish
Of flame coloured skies
Horizons filled with our glory
Before we descend to the floor
and cover it with a carpet of fire
for children to run through
Screaming and kicking
Seeming to abuse us,
but no
no abuse
they are growing too
as they need to
as he did too
You will grow
You are the indestructable Cat
who will not fail
despite being shaken
despite the tears
that have dried on their own
You will not break
You will see this dance through to the end
Because it is what you will do
What you want to do
We cannot hold to the tree
When our time comes to fall
We let ourselves down
Like you did
And lie here
Like you have
But now it is time for you to rise
To get up
and go
On with your dance
of exploration
and run through us first!
Kicking and laughing
Make us fly with the joy of your dance
And go in peace and contentment
For you will not be broken
And there is much more to find
Much more to live for......
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Container
I am a container
A receptacle
For other people
For their rubbish
Their hatred, their anger, their despair
Their sorrow, their rage, their resentment
I take it in
Absorb it
Detoxify it
Send it out, hopefully with the burden lightened
For them
For me
But sometimes I get tired
And weary
And my containment slows and screeches to a halt
Inside the turmoil and anguish of many lurches around
And crashes into the delicate coils and cogs of the machinary that keeps me going
Then I need to go offline
Time out
Space from all
From others, their lives, their problems
From me....
I need that time and space now
I have over filled the container to bursting
And the tears are flowing out
And there is no holy water or magic spell to sprinkle on it
To heal it
and me
and help me glide on
My fault
My responsibility
Yet despite the gripping inside me
Of a thousand hands and voices in despair
I know that in the end all will be well
I have been through worse, far worse
Through a woman seeking to end my life
Through my son's near death and damage
Through the loss of my reason for living
My tears will dry on their own
I will survive
And I will not be broken
And I will continue to grow and dance in the darkness
Until I see the light again
A receptacle
For other people
For their rubbish
Their hatred, their anger, their despair
Their sorrow, their rage, their resentment
I take it in
Absorb it
Detoxify it
Send it out, hopefully with the burden lightened
For them
For me
But sometimes I get tired
And weary
And my containment slows and screeches to a halt
Inside the turmoil and anguish of many lurches around
And crashes into the delicate coils and cogs of the machinary that keeps me going
Then I need to go offline
Time out
Space from all
From others, their lives, their problems
From me....
I need that time and space now
I have over filled the container to bursting
And the tears are flowing out
And there is no holy water or magic spell to sprinkle on it
To heal it
and me
and help me glide on
My fault
My responsibility
Yet despite the gripping inside me
Of a thousand hands and voices in despair
I know that in the end all will be well
I have been through worse, far worse
Through a woman seeking to end my life
Through my son's near death and damage
Through the loss of my reason for living
My tears will dry on their own
I will survive
And I will not be broken
And I will continue to grow and dance in the darkness
Until I see the light again
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