Back to the start...

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are

I've had a pretty tiresome day, in some ways. T had a megatizz, lasting an hour and a half, half of it on the way home from a lovely trip in the sunshine to Gloucester. As ever, he got something in his head and couldn't shake it. A year ago, he and Mw had traded a game, because T hated his game. Now he wanted it back, he still hated it, but he had to have it back. Mw didn't want to swap (still plays and enjoys said game that T couldn't even do the tutorials on.)
All the way home T ranted and once home he followed me round ranting.
Nothing would help until finally he exhausted himself, and sat sobbing on my bed.
I finally got through to him and we looked at how to approach things.
He went off to look at Amazon for a book and got diverted while on the internet, so that when my mother called unexpectedly, he was quite calm and her visit settled him down.
Thankfully, for my head was shot to pieces by then.
He's now happily playing with Mw some sort of game that needs an atlas...

As for me, in the midst of this, I picked up a copy of the Pope's first letter while in the Abbey we went to.
And on the back it says this:
"Individual Christians and the Church as a body must exercise charity and service to all in need, not motivated by any self interest nor to take upon herself a political struggle, but simply to make the living God visible."
Going back to the start really, no one said it would be easy and I still do not believe, nor do I think I will ever be a catholic again. But it is good to see his words echoing what I am thinking, even if I am trying to make him visible to myself.
And oh phoey, "Fix You" has just come on the music channel...now I'm going to cry
But I think I've been partially fixed, and even if this is as good as it gets, it's OK.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you...

Faith

Someone posted this in response to one of my self absorbed posts:
Self absorbed Cat post:
This and the point about orthopraxy is where I think I've got to. I can find no way to make the invisible visible to me anymore, but I am desperate for it to be so. I have worn my head out reading and thinking and I think I just have to admit defeat in that way, it as probably a stupid way to go anyway. I have found no magic way to persuade myself God is real, however much I want to. But I know I want to live the way I used to live, the way I believe the Jesus I knew taught me to, so I'm just going to do that and hope by doing so the invisible will reappear and become visible to me again.Thanks.
Cat
Reply:
Then let no one tell you you lack "faith".
The Epistle to the Hebrews, Chapter 11, Verse 1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
You are as qualified to be called "Christian" as all the people who sit around so busy believing they haven't got time to do anything about it. More so, IMHO.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
That's a phrase I think I can live with. It's a different faith than the one I had, but it'll do. And kindness, I hope, will make it grow.
Thanks folks who've been there for me...
May the Lord you believe in bless you at all times.

And I'm still an atheist, I guess, I still see no god, but that is not as important to me as how I should live.
If God is there, the rest will follow. I can have hope in that.
If not, I have the lived the way I want to and the way I see the best to, with kindness, compassion and humour and I will have tried to follow the best teachings of a wise man, who was on the side of the poor and oppressed and the also rans.
That's not a bad way to live.

Deconversion

When I finally lost it, back in December, I can remember the sense of detachment from reality that occured. At least now I have reality back, but what I have not managed is to get rid of this pain I have almost continually inside. I am not looking for sympathy here, I am just musing on it and wondering how to make it go.
In the morning, I wake up with it, as I go to bed at night it is still there. There are times in the day when I am unaware of it, but odd comments or happenings bring it to mind. It is not just an ache, but a physical pain, just under my rib cage and I feel empty.
And I want it to go.
I have tried reading, thinking, not thinking, talking to people, not talking to them, starting topics on faith or participating in them, support threads etc. but it doesn't go.
It hangs on like a leech, sucking the strength out of me and making each day like walking through treacle (but without the sweetness.)
And I want it to go...
I know if I believed again it would go, but I can't get it back, I have tried. And I have decided to live as if though the jesus that I knew and loved was real, but still the pain does not go.
I can't carry on like this for much longer, that I know. But all the wonderful support I have had has not helped, so maybe I just have to accept this is how it will be.

But-
I am not going to allow myself to be broken.
However much it hurts, I have two boys who need me and I cannot wallow around in front of them.
I don't do that and I won't do that.
So excuse my little wallow here.
I've had a hard week in work and I'm feeling crushed
I'll be better in a couple of days when I've got some energy back
If only this pain would go...

Mood swings

There's something very horrible about being human
(Sorry, in one of those moods...if you are feeling low please stop reading NOW.)


/self pity mode on
My mood is swinging all over the place, up one minute, racing thoughts, not able to sleep, and down the next, but anxious all the time. I've been crying now again this evening and the anxiety and fear are gradually escalating. It was my own fault, having looked at ga, I got into a hell thread and just produced the usual reaction from myself. In addition, work for the next few days continues to be truly awful, and a major problem of earth shatteringly High Court in London proportions is rearing its ugly head and it seems unsolvable. I'm writing several reports simultaneously and the care co-ordinator for the difficult case goes on annual leave for two weeks, leaving me to produce all the documentation required.
So self pity rules tonight and I just wept all over M, who told me not to worry, I would go to heaven...
Though as I pointed out, that wasn't the issue, if I don't believe in an afterlife, heaven and hell are immaterial.
But in the past when this happened, when I felt out of control, I turned to god
I have no one to turn to now but me and I am woefully not up to the task...
So I'm going to let myself have a cry in the hope that I will get it all out my system.
What annoys me so much is I know exactly what is happening, all the physiological and biochemical and cognitive processes that are doing this and doyouthink I can stop them?
No!
I hate being human....
/self pity mood off

Back to reality....
Pull yourself together woman- there are many far worse off than you- just be thankful for what you've got.
Just be kind and human to those around you and do your best, no one can ask for more.
You cannot solve all the problems of the world or even your charges, just do what can be done, that's all you can do, in kindness and respect.
And keep a sense of humour about it all, or you will go mad.. (or madder than you already are.)
Maybe you are just a brain in a jar, in which case, why worry??!?
Go to bed early and curl up with a cat and a book and listen to some soft music.
And put aside tomorrow till it comes.

"We are never broken"

Last weekend, M and I were talking to matt about life, the universe and everything. I had been reading a book by the Dali Lama, which I've quoted something before and it said a lot about kindness being important. Now it's a longstanding joke between M and me that when we first were together one day, I asked him, in the typical way young lovers do: "Why do you love me?"
Being a man, he failed to understand that he should produce a romantic, poetic response and replied, "Because you're kind.."
At the time I almost took exception to this, but now it seems such an important thing to me that I still hold onto this ability that I seem to have been given.

So yesterday we went shopping and I brought a Jewel CD which had "Hands" on it. And for the first time read the song that features the words "In the end, only kindeness matters."
Google it and read it if you can.
The start smothered me with these words...

"If I could tell the world just one thing, its that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair.
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear."

And as the smothering lifted and I could breathe again, I thought, I am not going to be made useless by what has happened here and I am not going to be idle with despair.
I may not be going to get down on my knees and pray, but I don't have to have this magic thing called faith to be "God's hands, God's heart, God's mind" in this world
I have not been broken and I am not going to be broken by this.
And in the end, kindness matters and that is my start
And if God is there, he'll find me, I won't even have to look.
Like Carlo Carretto said, he will surprise me...

"I have behaved like a man who travels over mountains and seas to look for a treasure then returns home exhausted and discovers to his suprise that God is in his house....In my house, in Mother Teresa's house, in Martin Luther King's house, in Roger Schutz's house, in Follerau's house.
As He is a hidden God, no one sees Him, but everyone seeks Him because everyone longs to see Him.
The whole business is extraordinarily interesting!

But while I'm thinking about the best way of discovering God, of seeing God, Mother Teresa goes out on the streets and sees someone dying without help. She does not rationalise or theorize...she comforts, she gives him water to drink, "I want him to die knowing a friend is near."

"God reveals himself where there is anyone who respects life, who desires the light, who seeks to love. Every time you open yourself to life, every time you act the truth, every time you love, God is in your actions."

"By doing things as Jesus would do them, as God would do them, you free God from the veils of invisibility and make Him visible on man's journey."

If I do things as Jesus would do them, the Jesus shown by his words, not the interpretations others would put on them, then maybe, just maybe, the invisible will become visible again. I don't know, but I'm prepared to risk it...

Remembering...

Remembering those days when I believed...
Remembering praying- turning to someone greater than I and throwing myself on Him
Throwing my horrors and sadness and woes into Him, knowing he would take them and give them back to me as strength
Shutting my eyes and drawing wisdom from something so much greater than me
So in times when I knew I was not wise enough or clever enough or strong enough to face what was going on, He was there to hold me up and walk with me and lead me through.
Seeing a sunset and wondering at His power and cleverness
Seeing someone love and thanking Him for sending them
Feeling Him inside, talking to me, listening to me.
Telling Him things I could tell no one else
And wanting to share Him, the joy and happiness he brought to me, with others.

So don't dare to say I knew Him not, because I knew then just as much as you know now.
It's just that He's disappeared and I can't see Him anymore.
If He was there, He wouldn't hide. Not the God I knew.
I was just deluding myself.
And don't dare to say I didn't seek or didn't open my heart, because I did and I do.
It's just that there is no one there to open it to.

I want to believe but there is no one there to help my unbelief.
Sorry, so sorry.

iPods, downloads and cats...

Not a good day, all in all, or so it seemed before kindness won the day.
I woke with a monster headache to the alarm at 6.30am.
I didn't need to get up, just had forgotten to switch off the alarm.
Fooey! M stirred and went back to sleep. I'm more easily roused...
Once up, it was so cold, I put on the heating and switched on the computer and never made it back to bed...
I started to get riled over things I read but took a step back (mentally, not room to do this where the computer is) and hopefully stayed in control.
Later, T's iPod broke. A cracked screen. No one did it, it happened on its own, he explained.
Another miracle!!
But a megadisaster.
The iPod for us was the best invention ever.
No longer did we need to travel round with crates of CDs, batteries and CD cleaning stuff, T could be kept happy by this small device, loaded as it was with all 500 of his favourite tunes (ranging from Cliff's Millenium Prayer, thru the Dubliner's Lord of the Dance to various artists I've never heard of and never wish to hear again.)
He was not happy (Brit understatement mode)
Fortunately, being of some forsight, I had insured it against accidental damage (*cough*) and rang the helpline.
Twenty minutes of pushing 5 followed by 2 followed by 3, led me to talk to a human type person, who informed me I just had to return it to the shop.
I set off, iPod and receipt in hand, to drive straight into the traffic jam from hell, as the rugby supporters all tried to get to town at the same time.
I arrived, eventually, stressed out and tense and then waited for half an hour in the queue before being told I should have had a number given to me...
By this point, I was close to the edge.
Hormones, lack of sleep and tetchiness were just adding up inside me.
But once again, I took a (mental) step back, a deep breath, and kept calm as the problem got sorted. As it was- alas - though, no iPod for a month while they fix it.
Oops.
T was furious on my return and wanted me to go and buy a new one instantly, but I managed to divert his attention and we've got out the crate again, on a temporary basis...

So I finally lay on the bed, exhausted, his brother to the rescue having engaged him in a game.
4 hours sleep, not really enough, I snuggled down, soon to be joined by my cat.
We looked at each other, shutting our eyes in a Cat like smile, and both curled up together, the big and little cat, just being content to snooze.

And when I awoke, I read a little from a book by the Dali Lama...
I liked it:

This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple and your philosophy is simple kindness.

Hmmm
What else can we live for if not to make others happy, and in doing so, to make us happy too? Simple kindness seems a good way to go...
The kindness of the girl in the shop, the kindness of Mw to his brother, the kindness of M as he woke me from my sleep, all being given to me today.
To live at peace and be content; even on difficult days, it can be done.
A challenge to live it through more difficult times again, but what is life without challenge?
Time to start dancing in the dark again, I think...

Are you good?

Well, are you?
According to the biblegod, no one is good but God alone.
So, unless you accept God and his message of salvation, it's eternal separation and unhappiness.
/hell rant mode on
Difficult issues here...
Firstly, God=good; God=killing the firstborn of the Egyptians etc. etc.
(I could write a long list, well known to attendors of apologetics fora of other actions and approved actions of OT god)
Even Jesus spoke of people being turned out to places where there would be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
If our definition of good comes from this, how do we know what God wants?
Doesn't this take us to the actions of folks down the centuries who killed and murdered and tortured in the name of God and said it was good?
Secondly, if God made all, how come we cannot be good? In heaven, once there, we will be forever, according to the bible, so why could he not have done it right here, right now?
Thirdly, why cannot god give more evidence now? Not just the "I prayer and found my car keys" evidence, "I felt God move, speak, inspire", not just 2000 year old inconsistent story evidence?
Why not something a bit clearer?
Fourthly, why are so many of his supporters so angry and full of hate?
Fifthly...
Why, when I wanted to believe so much, did he hide from me, and why does he still hide if he is really there? Why am I still "missing?"

So, in answer, sometimes I am "good" in the eyes of those round me, sometimes, not so good, sometimes crabby, sometimes loving and unselfish, sometimes brave, sometimes cowardly.
But, neither I, nor any one I know who has been placed on this world, deserve eternal misery for what I have done, what they have done. And those that say people do, need to seriously look in their own hearts and ask, "What kind of god am I serving?"

/hell rant mode off...

Glastonbury

So we went to Glastonbury today.
Last time I went there was just before I lost my faith.
This time I took the terrible two, on holiday from school.
It started badly.
Senior moment beckoned and I entered my PIN wrongly three times while buying petrol thus locking my card.
We also had a traffic jam on the way and when we got there, the little teashop in the Abbey was closed.
T was, as ever furious and sulked his way round the Abbey, till I got him to talk about his latest computer game.
He went into overdrive, forgot about the teashop and recovered sufficiently to laugh at Mw trying to stop me taking a picture of him by the thorn tree.
We went into the little chapel then, Mw and I, T staying outside, walking up and down, talking away to himself.
Mw instantly turned to me.
"Mum? Why don't you believe in God anymore?"
The effect of the thorn tree, the legends we read as we walked around were playing on his mind.
I hestitantly explained that I don't believe because I cannot see a god anymore, I don't have evidence that he exists but I cannot prove that, neither could anyone prove god exists. It all boils down to faith.
In so many words.
Mw thought.
He told me he believed in god and without god could see no point in living.
Why live, just to die?
There has to be a god or life is pointless?
At this delicate moment, T barged into the little chapel, glared at us both and refused to budge.
Mw stopped and wouldn't continue...

So from there we walked into "town."
T developed that air of fantatism that only he has.
Town= place with at least one computer games shop.
(City=place with >1)
We marched up the street, calling at the bank to try and unlock my card (the machine was broken) and stopped off for a quick lunch break.
He managed to find his shop and bought a cheap game he had wanted for ages.
It was only when I glanced up that I realised the PS section was next to the adult porn section, which was, um, pretty explicit.
Mw was very amused by his mother's discomfort and his brother's total lack of interest.
I covered his eyes so he couldn't look...

And then home, uneventfully, and unlocked the card.
I didn't get to see anything I wanted, I had hoped to look in a bookshop or two, but such is life with T, we're used to it.
And they enjoyed it and were relaxed and happy the rest of the day.

Now all I have to do is continue the conversation with Mw

Funny feelings

I've had an interesting 24 hours or so.
I felt awful yesterday, after the call from my SIL and we went out and about.
During the drive, as so often, I slipped into praying (it's still a habit) and pleading.
And for the first time, I had what I used to have, an answer.
Now don't ask me what now, because I cannot remember, but it took my breathe away.
It only happened once
I have thought about my "answers from God" that I used to get, and decided they were my thoughts, my wishes, but it hadn't happened since I stopped believeing.

Anyhow, things stayed much the same overnight.
Couldn't sleep well again and finally got off to bed at gone 1am.
Up this morning, usual routine, except the kids stayed in bed (half term)
I switched on the computer to check the emails before work and (naturally) logged into the forums.
I read a couple of mesages sent to me and posted once or twice, switched it off...
...and then was overwhelmed with a feeling.
Now it may sound fanciful, but it sometimes used to happen before when I believed, but not for ages.
I felt wrapped in love, that's the only way I could describe it, and joy.
The awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that had been there for the last few months went.
I didn't have anything else than that and I just held it.
I folded the wings of intellect and just held it.

What was it and where did it come from?
I know what some of you might say...

So I drove to work, past the spot where I looked into the sky and realised god wasn't there all those weeks ago
I looked into the sky again, and still did not see god there
But I felt something inside, not god, but some sort of strength
Perhaps because I suddenly realised what I was feeling
It was a lack of fear and dread.
This is what I had read, and these words spoke to me and reassured me.

After hearing all that, I looked at this bright young man and said “You’re right, there is no such god like that. I am an atheist too when it comes to that god.” In fact, the god he described to me was more like the pagan gods of old who always had to be kept happy or they would not send the rain for the fields or they would cause other mischief in humans’ lives. These false gods of our pagan past were more like powerful super humans who were self centered and self serving. Of course these gods didn’t exist.

Now, I know that I still don't believe in god.
But at least I also know that people who believe in God don't believe in this one either
This god of horror and torture and fear

None of this probably makes sense to anyone but me, but today for the first time in ages, I felt OK, really OK.
And I know if God is there, he will not let me go, and I can say that with confidence.
And if God is not there, I have done my best to live this life the best I can for me and my family and that is more than enough for me...

Talking to people about it all

I can talk to hubbie
At least, I talk, he listens, although he did get a bit forceful with me today over the matter of faith
He reckons I believe on faith just as much as he does, that neither of us have proof.
He may be right.
But he also knows I cannot force myself to believe.

So yesterday I visited my parents, my brother, wife and child were visiting.
All Christian
And of course, church came up
"When are you going to church this weekend" she asked
I rapidly thought:
1.Mother has not told them
2. Do I lie or do I just tell the truth

I went for the truth.
There was an awkward silence...
Nothing else was said until later
As I went to leave, SIL followed me and asked me what was happening.
I was too upset to talk and said I couldn't talk about it.
So she rang me today, wanting to know what was wrong.
"I realise I don't know you like I thought I did." she said.

I couldn't talk to her about it- I was in the bath, I hadn't slept much and I just couldn't get the words out.
So she's going to email me something she wants me to read and wants me to reply, telling her what is wrong.
She also told me my mother cried after I left...

I hate all this.

Thursdays

I hate Thursdays
They are my Mondays really, the first day after a break and so busy!
Added to which, the new wonderful computer system me must use has at least 20 of my clients missing from it. I found 15 of them this afternoon, but the rest may not even be on the system...
And someone turned up half an hour late and still needed to be seen and the Crisis Team (or the Panic Team, as one of my clients mistakenly but hilariously called them this morning) had a difficult client that I prevaricated about.
Hassles, hassles, hassles!
In addition, I forgot my tablets yesterday so ended up taking a double dose today.
The Pharmacist was not impressed.
"Perhaps don't forget them in the first place" he said sternly as he was on his way out to "check the perimeter for intruders" (ie, have a quick ciggy with the ward manager.)

And yesterday was the preparation night for Lourdes- hubbie's first one as regional chair.
It went well and to time even though I got all my forms confused and the group leaders all sighed as they saw me coming with my bits of paper. In 8 weeks time- we'll be off for the trip, time will fly past now...

Son2 is low, with his tests coming up and he seems to have something preying on his mind, but he doesn't want to talk about it.
"You know you can always tell your lovely mother" I told him.
"Humph! I don't HAVE a lovely mother..."
He did laugh after saying this
Honestly.

And T is T, off school for half term and looking happy as he's seen the new area in their workplace where they'll be playing with computers.
No farm for two weeks!
What more could he want!

Now, when I used to write in my old journal, by now a verse or psalm would have leapt into my head to sum up my mood and end my thinking.
I miss those days.
I miss God...
Just an empty space now for you to add your thoughts...

This morning

I prayed this morning
2 decades of the rosary
There have been a lot of talk on GA about trying to believe/not believe and I thought I'd give it a go again
But something was missing
I couldn't connect
I got back to the pleading stage again
I just tried to open myself up to God and say sorry, forgive me, come back
But it didn't work
My mind wouldn't switch off
It kept interrupting with all those rational arguments that got me into this place in the first place
In the end, I stopped.
I had intended to do all 5 decades but I only got as far as two
I still prayed, though, till I reached work and walked in

Then all else blew out of my mind as I faced once more the awfulness of man's inhumanity to man
And thought, is this all there is?
With God, at least I can imagine a glorious ending to the sorrow
With this, nothing
Perhaps Stormy was right, I'm just trying to fool myself, no one else
But I cannot believe any more, despite all the arguments I read as to why others believe
I'm stuck with my grey world, adrift on the sea of subjectivity, wracking my brain for "answers to why" when my whole being cringes at the thought of certain wrongs.
And with no one to blame but me...

But...
and it's a big but
I DON'T believe and I can't believe just because I want to.
I want it back so much today and it just won't come.

Our Lady of Lourdes- yesterday Feb 11th

I'm off to Lourdes in a few weeks. For information, this trip was booked almost a year ago, I'm regional medic for the trip and I screen the forms of the children going on this annual pilgrimage in our area. Children with a variety of severe medical and physical and emotional problems all being given a trip into the mountains where Lourdes is found. Flying in by several planes in groups of about 20-30, all together several thousand in the largest childrens pilgrimage to go to Lourdes each year.
So I'm busy ringing up group leaders and asking them to get more info and visiting kids and trying to work out how on earth we can manage a child who requires tube feeding 18 out of 24 hours a day (answer- rechargeable pump that gets attached to his wheelchair!)
And I'm trying very hard not to think of the various discussions this trip could lead to. Or the emotions.
Lourdes for me has always been a place of high emotions, I met hubbie there, I first overcame the problems of suffering there, I broke down there the year T was so ill and didn't recover for 6 months. I remember the moment even, when sorrow overwhelmed me. It was when Bishop Regan started the Mass saying "the only way that we can be unhappy is if we are seperated from god."
I looked at my son, cowering in a corner, who was tormented by the voices in his head and thought how wrong he was. Misery and sadness flooded into my soul and have never really left.
But Lourdes has brought fun and laughter, as those with great difficulties show how one can live despite the pain and anguish.
I have no idea what it will do to me and to be honest, I really don't want to go.
With any luck I can still get out of it.
If only I didn't know I am needed so much to go...
People with my skill mix are unfortunately few and far between on the trip. So I guess unless I can find a replacement, I'm going.
Any volunteers?

Bugs...

T is ill today
Actually, he started getting a cold the other day, but tonight he has a temp and usually with T that leads to a restless night and him throwing up
I got him to sleep in my bed and then walked him to his own, half asleep and deliriously muttering about too many people in the room
So I stand prepared
It wouldn't be too bad, as I just had terrible dreams the last two nights as I contemplate and ruminate on the events of the last week
At one point I was being bbq'd and looked down to see my flesh turning a lovely crispy chicken skin colour and texture.
Hell?
But all things will work their way out
Ho hum

Computer system training is now over and the new system arrives in work next week.
In true NHS style, the system is incompatible with the social services system and the social workers are not permitted to use it.
Politics, politics..
But it is actually a user friendly system, we just have to make sure it works for us and not vice verse

The Lourdes forms and phone calls continue to flood in and I am gaining reputation as a bit of a witch. The group leaders all hate me, to a man (and woman)
But who'd thought it be so difficult to ensure the forms were correctly completed before they get sent in?
And at least I do most of the work myself, only once or twice as a form comes back with virtually nothing filled in do I send it back.
Tomorrow after work I'm going to visit a little boy we're taking who has been in hospital for a year.
They can't get funding for the nurses they need if he is to go home to live (he needs feeds through a tube, 3 hourly catheterisation, meds, physio, so much attention)
I hope we can take him- it'll be difficult but he'd love it so much!
Fingers crossed....

Sadness

First a disclaimer...
Please don't feel obliged to answer this
I'm writing things because it helps me get things out
It's going to be a bit of a pity party, so feel free to skip it if needed- talk about death and sorrow coming up
I'd advise you go and get a cup of tea and skip this until I post again.


On Friday, I saw someone
By Monday, she was dead
When I found out, initially, I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary, but today I feel an overwhelming sadness
My first experience of death since losing faith
Before I would always have the hope that goes with belief
Now death = the end
No more
One day, I too will die and be no more
Every day I live brings me one step closer to that day, which will come.
And inside I feel a deep sorrow
Perhaps sadness is a better word
It started yesterday as I thought about T and his emotions
And it had its echoes in the weekend, where Mw asked me about who would look after T when we go
As I once more face the painful truth that T will always be in need and I will not be there to look over him, as I once believed
Not able to be there and pray
Not able to be re-united in heaven with him, now whole, now beyond his suffering
He suffers now in vain, it has no meaning
However tortuous before the meaning I made, at least I gained some comfort from it
Now no comfort points, no rejoicing in the Lord
Just sheer unadulterated sorrow
In what is and what might have been.

I'm so sorry...
Sleep sweetly

Reading back

I had a look at my old journal, round about six months back, when things started to go wrong and fell over this post and felt unspeakably sad, which worsened as I read on.
But T is still full of beans, bless him and is still into pirates
He got a game about pirates and became very concerned and wanted to sell it
"Why?" I asked puzzled (for he had been having the most enjoyment he'd had for months)
"It's too much fun and it makes me worried"
He cannot cope with too much fun, our T, it gets him confuzzled
Too much of any emotion is hard to manage
So we decided to limit the time he played on it and consequently, he managed to get the fun quota down to acceptable limits!
Problem solved...

Now only another two thousand problems to sort out before bedtime!

Circles

I did write a post about circles, but it disappeared.
Things go round in circles, I mused and told the old joke about the little girl who said to her cruel mummy
"Why do I keep going round in circles?"
Cruel mummy: "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor"
Now when I was little, with two brothers of the tormenting sort, that seemed so funny (based as it was on a truly awful advert for washing up liquid.)
But now I feel like someone has nailed my foot to the floor and I'm going round in circles.
About hell, about belief, about everything and getting nowhere fast.
And I'm so fed up with reactions to my disbelief-
I think too much, or worse still, I never really believed, never had faith in the first place.
I was a weak, wishy washy Christian and and cafeteria type catholic.

But today these circles seem less important.
I can't really post about it, but things went badly wrong in work today and I was left ruminating on things that were done and on the finality that some acts are.
Choices are difficult things sometime, we act on the best information we have and yet it is often not good enough.
And when decisions end up like they did, the sadness can be overwhelming.
But everyone was so sweet and I just got on with things
In the sad but certain knowledge that this isn't the first time and will not be the last.
Sleep sweetly, my friends...

Missing post

My last post, which was actually a little upbeat for me lately, has mysteriously disappeared, along with some comments. So this will be short and sweet, just in case it goes too!
Today we celebrated Grandma's birthday
The grandchildren and two aunties went round with her in a limo for an hour
It was a surprise and she really enjoyed it, sipping champagne and waving to passers by.
Son1 wouldn't go, of course and after a restless 24 hours or so, I took him for a walk to relax him.
Fortunately we passed a computer shop that as open, so he went in and wrote down lots of prices of various specs of computers (he's into that at the moment.)
Now we're home getting ready for the evening.
A couple of the Lourdes group are coming round to discuss children they're taking with me (I haven't told these two about you know what yet) and I am really tired with the prospect of a week of training on our new awesome computer system for work (we go live and paperless Feb 10th. EEEEK!!) draining me somewhat tonight.
Life goes on, folks, life goes on.
And the sunset was beautiful and the stars will be out soon.
I used to look in the sky and think of the Psalms
Now I just look
But it's awesome still
and it still gives me peace as I gaze skywards
and I still wonder if on another planet light years away a little green woman is doing the same...

*smile*
Reckon I'll never know!

An unbelieving heart is evil...

"An unbelieving heart is declared by God to be evil. Why? Because it mistusts God, and mistrust is evil - it knaws at your soul and grieves the heart of God. Indeed, mistrust and unbelief seperate you from the living God. One thing, however, can help you to overcome unbelief and mistrust. Picture to yourself the image of Jesus, the Lamb of God, in His amazing love for you. Worship the Father for His unending love in giving His only begotten Son as a sacrifice for you. Then you will not be able to do otherwise than trust Him.Take care, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. Heb. 3:12"

Posted today at CF
The problem is, when I picture God now, this is what I see...

"See, this is my problem.
It is perhaps one of the biggest stumbling blocks I have with regard to Christianity of the sort that believes in hell for eternity.
And perhaps the best way I can explain it is this.
Imagine sitting quietly in a room with a piece of paper.
On that paper write down the name of the person you love most in the world.
Then write next to that "will spend eternity suffering in hell."
Look at that paper.
Imagine hell, the hell you believe in and then imagine the person you love most in the world there.
Whatever torments you imagine for someone, imagine them going through that, without end.
Now picture yourself face to face with God.
Keep that image of the one you love in your mind, their cries, their screams, their pleas for mercy and look into the face of God and see justice, love and mercy and want to worship him.

I cannot do that.
I have tried.
If I cannot imagine my loved ones suffering, how can this infinitely compassionate merciful just God do that?
Like I said, for me, one big stumbling block."

I cannot conceive of there being a god who is like this anymore.
In fact, I can no longer see a god as more than the wishful thinking of humans desperate to live forever.
Which I no longer believe in.
So why can I not get hell out of my head?
Why the pre-occupation?
Because it is burnt into me.
I don't know if I will ever be able to walk freely like others seem to do.
I think I'm condemned to walk forever with a weight in my heart and on my shoulder.
Forty years of belief is hard to leave behind...